I am so sad to come here and find Nads (Miss Burton) is gone from blogging world. I just read her last post, it was on March, 2013. I understand her feelings, I have been in blogging world for so long now and I remember back in 2009, I believe, I had became such good friends with Nads, we had this really big circle and were all there to support each other. I even remember we made races to see who would lose more weight. I know that communities like that are still out there but it has become so hard to keep track of everyone that somehow I just stopped coming to hang out here. I remember not feeling so lonely back in those days.
It is so hard now. Believe me I have been having an awful time. I am down to 125 pounds, and hope to go down to 120 by next month. But I guess there is a lot more to this than weight, no matter how much weight I lose, I never like what I see in the mirror. It is so hard, I am 23 years old now! Well, WOW! And I don´t seem to get myself to feel better, in fact I have been so depressed. I have been feeling this way since I was about 13 years old and it seems to be getting worst with the years. 2013 was horrible. It is not just about weight, you know? I am so insecure about my body and my soul. I never feel like I can acomplish shit. Like I will never be enough for anything. I am depressed most of the time but from November to now I have had a horrible, terrible depression lapse. I do not want to sound dramatic, I really don´t, it´s just that I do not talk about this with ANYONE that surrounds me. I act "happy" and normal around everyone. There are days were I could not even get myself to get up in the mornings, I stayed in bed all fucking day, mostly weekends because I was working from Monday to Friday and I needed to money so I had to wake up a go to work. I was so depressed I did not eat, not consciously, no, I just did not eat. I was not aware of it, i just went to bed and late at night i remembered, fuck... I ate nothing today. I started smoking weed almost everyday, whenever I could, i feel so good when I do it. Some days I went high to work, I still don´t understand how the fuck I managed to do my job. About three weeks ago I had dream about an old man telling I should kill myself now because life is really not that worth it. I woke up feeling so depressed, I am not lying, I opened my eyes and started crying like a little kid and went under the sheets and refused to get out of bed until 1 pm and I did it only because I really need to pee. Since then I had so many suicidal thoughts. I was planning on buying a bunch of antidepressants (I live in a country where you can get pretty much anything you want without a recepie) and a bottle of vodka and just end this shit I cannot bare anymore. I went to the drugstore and was such a coward, I was there just staring at the guy from the drugstore and he was like... Miss? Can I help you with anything? And I said uh, yeah, no, thank you, have a good day. It was so pathetic. Went back home and smoked some more weed, listen to music and forgot about suicide for a little while. I have not done any stupid shit ever since but I still feel like shit. I sometimes sleep only 2 hours. I'm trying really hard to react and feel better. Having you girls here would make it a lot easier but I know there nobody even knows I exist around here anymore. I think I need to start posting more here, I feel so much better after I write down my thoughts, even if they are not read.
I had a job I did not even like. It was a medical billiing company and I did the follow up on claims. 8 fucking hours sitting in front of a computer checking on claims and calling insurance companies to beg them to pay the fucking bills. I was there for 6 months and quit about 2 weeks ago. It was an impulse, I had no other job offer, I was just so sick of it and was so depressed I woke up one day, got to the office and quit. Thank god I was offered to work as a Spanish teacher. Before starting the job I need to finish a course, and I am actually doing pretty good so hopefully will start working by Feb.