Wow.
It's been so fucking long.
I can't believe I've been gone for such a long time.
I guess I have kept my mind busy in other things.
Not sure if in good things.
My personality has "developed" in this last 8 months. I'm a bit more ... Dunno the word.
I am less shy. But thanks to this I have done some REALLY stupid shit.
Don't even know where to start. Or if even any of you will be intersted in reading me after I left you for such a long time.
I got my laptop back. Yes, i ruined it again a few months ago. About 2 weeks after my last post. I had no money to fix it till two weeks ago. LOL
So, I spent all day re-reading my blog. How fucked up everything was last year. Shit at home, mom and dad did not get along. I read a post where I only wrote quotes from songs that described how I was feeling, and DAMN i was screwed. Still am. Just... you know... And then i found this:
"I fancy DAN. I am going out with C but i really wish it was otherwise. And i feel like crap for that!
It sucks cause Dan, apparently he fancies me, but... I have no fucking idea if he really is serious or he just wants to play around with me. Or if he actually really does like me? He doesn't say a thing!"
If only I had known what was going to happen...
I think on my last post I told you about how things had not been working out with Dan. Well... 3 weeks later they ended. It was awful. I guess I hadn't actually realized HOW MUCH i was INTO him till it ended. I couldn't bare it... I was destroyed.
The last week we were together he was a freaking jerk to me. He treated me like crap. He didn't want anything to do with anymore but he did not had the guts to tell me, so he just started acting stupid with me. He was with all of our friends and I got there said hi to all of the said hi to him and barely said hi and walked away. Did it twice... It was enough. We didn't spoke for a whole week.
I was devastated, I cried myself to sleep everyday. One of our friends, let's call him "Stephen", I met Stephen because of Dan. Stephen and I became really good friends cause I don't have a car and Stephen does so he gives me a ride from college to my house everyday.
So, I remember well. Dan was being an ass, it was about one the second week of March, i was so upset I wanted to cry, I was at college and I had no idea who to turn to. I was in class and I was freaking swalloing my tears. I even had a headache and every now and then my eyes would get all up wet and on the edge of crying. But i was strong.
Stephen noticed when we met at the faculty and on out way to the car and this is how it went:
Stephen: Tils, why are you so sad?
Me: I'm not sad :)
Stephen: Tils, you cannot lie to me. You are sad...
Me: Haha... I am not, there is not a reason for me to be sad.
Stephen: Righht tils, I guess our friendship is not in that "level" yet in which you talk out your feelings to me!
Me: Guess not...
He hugged me and we got to the car... And I was about to break down in tears!!! But i resisted... :S
We got in the car and
Stephen: Tils, I know everybody says I'm a pervert with no feelings and that I am some kind of a jerk. And maybe I am *giggles*, but I think I can know consider you my friend and I am not telling you you should feel the same about me. I am 26 years old. I guess I can give good advice.And I know for sure I have walked a few more miles than you have, so I can tell you that whatever the it is that you want in this life you can go get it. Seriously, you're always saying you wanna travel the world. DO IT TILDA, nothing is stopping you. Money? WORK, save money and in a year get the hell out go see the world. I have done it. You can do it. You want to be a biologist, DO IT. You want to be happy? BE HAPPY, Tilda, happyness depends on YOU. If you want to be happy you BE HAPPY. Your happyness cannot depend on ANYBODY or ANYTHING. It's all about what you really do want. Okay?
Me: *giggles* (This were those "giggles" you give just so you do not cry). I know...
Stephen: So go be happy Tilda, you are an amazing girl. You really are, do not let anything or ANYBODY bring you down.
Me: :) Okay...
Stephen: And... About... You know... Him...
Me: *surprise face*
Stephen: Just keep on walking Tilda. Dan does not know what the hell he wants to do with his LIFE, he is lost. And just because he is unhappy and he does not know what he wants means you have to suffer through all the process, you cannot be waiting for him to feel the way you do about him right now. It is not fair for you. He is my friends too, and we speak. I will not tell you what he tells me, and I will not tell him what I'm telling you. You both are my friends and I want the best for both of you. And you do not deserve to be treated the way he did today. I saw everything and Tilda, keep on walking. We've talked to him, we've told him not to be stupid, cause trust me, all of us (his friends) know you are a keeper and you are exactly what he need to settle down. But as I told you he is lost. So Tilda KEEP ON WALKING, please. Move on. If he realizes, GREAT, let him find the way and reach you. If he doesn't, GREAT, you have kept on walking and there is no need to look back.
Me: *Im-about-to-cry-so-ill-not-say-a-word-face"
Stepehn:K Tils, so if you want to cry. CRY. But cry today, tonight cry all you want, scream, hit a wall, tear up a pillow, CRY. But tomorrow, wake up with you head held up high a smile on your... And Tils, keep on walking.
...
Dude he took to the school were I work. And I felt good. I mean, still devastated but I knew he was right. And I felt good.
That lasted for the next 2 months. I mean I was sad, but I did what he said, I wrote him a letter, telling him that it was OBVIOUS there wasn't going to be anything else between the two of us. And that it was okay, we could be friends.
He answered saying loads of shit, basically he said "I am so sorry, I love you i do, but i was scared of loving you bla bla bla..."
I was like... Dude, I´m not 15... Do not lie to me.
I cried that day like a little baby, it was awful, I was taking a shower I started crying calmed down, later on I was cleaning up my room and I just started crying, like tears werre coming from the air, from the dust. I cried and cried and cried. Awful. After that no more tears were shed.
We kept on seeing each other since we study at the same faculty and we were "friends". 6 weeks later we went to a party and we were all wasted and high. He grabbed me and he hugged me and he said: "Hey silly" I was like.. :) Don't... He started kissing my ear I wanted to kiss him sooo freaking bad... But didn't I said, Dan no... And he let go. Later on that night, he wrote me on BBM, I was soooo drunk girls. I told him EVERYTHING, I told him I was still hurt cause he made me love him, knowing he was not going to love me back! Know that he was actually "in love" with some other girl (YEP... ). And yep... I was THAT stupid and drunk.
He just said what do you want me to say. I left my cellphone and next morning I felt like a real ASS. Which I was...
Yeah so ever since that day it's been "cool". It hurts. I don't know why it still hurts. Even though it was soo little time. We were not even a couple. We never had a label. We were just together... You know? We didn't even have sex!! Almost... But didn't.
But I got along with him. I like everything about him. I know... I'm only 20, almost 21... Yet, it hurts. A kind of hurt I had never felt. I've been with other guys (2 to be exact, in an actual relationship). With one of them we were together for about a year and a half. And this pain I feel, I swear i didn't even feel with that guy. Dan... I don't know what he did. I don't know why it hurts so bad. If shouldn't. But I can't help it.
Worse is I see him every week. We sometimes go out, with everybody. Cause it's like we have the same social circle, so i can't avoid him. I see him, everywhere. And I am always faking a smile. I try, I swear. And It gets better with time. But it still hurts.
Now it's worst. Cause he's dating this other girl. It hurts so bad.
I have never been the type of girls who suffers SO MUCH for someone. Really, I'm kind of cold. But with Dan, I cant help it. I freaking can't.
Okay, I have written far too much. I am sorry, if somebody reads this... I know I've been gone for so long. I am so sorry.
Hope you read this. You see, you can learn from others mistakes. Besides I really like the words Stephen gave to me. I think it is something we can all use. Something we can all work with... So yeah there it is.
Oh... I am fat by the way. This depression attacked my hungry side. Last week I was 140 pounds, back again. Yup... This week I've eating less than 800 cals per day. Hope to continue this way. My birthday is in a month.
