I live in a constant depression... It comes and goes, but it's there pretty much all of the time. I think i wrote about this in the past... People really don't get it but the thinner i am the better i feel... I may be 134 pound today and i feel "good"... But if i wake up tomorrow with 135 pound... OH LORD, don't even try to walk in front of a mirror cause i see a completely different person than i did yesterday. It's that serious and it is NOT normal, NOT right... But there really isn't much i can do to change it, you know?
I have to admit, i always wonder whether i should make time in my schedule and actually start posting daily, they way i did before... But then i get scared, i don't want to be trapped in this all my life. I just wish i could love myself the way i am... But who am i kidding? That never worked and will never work for me. I have been in this for almost 8 years now. WOW. Time goes by so fast... And you know how you always think, in 5 yeas everything is going to be so fucking awesome. Well... NO.
Of course, things will never get fucking better if you don't try to make them better. Whenever i am serious about this, it's like everything starts working on my favor, you know? I start losing weight, i start feeling better... Therefore i start going out more and meeting a lot more new people...
But that's not how things are now. Of course they're not.
You see, this years things changed so so so much. My best friend (Or so i think) had to leave the country. I never got to say goodbye, she got very sick, she almost died... She came back 2 weeks ago, she leaves in 2 weeks, and then... I have no idea when we will see each other again. This fucking kills me. I have never been the friendly type of girl, you know? I've always had few friends and done crazy shit but just with this few friends i keep close to me. I don't trust people... I don't know what i'll do without her.
I wish i had some positive shit to say... But i don't! Oh well...