Busy weekend, Hope for the upcoming week.

So, i've eaten barely nothing this past 2 days. That makes me happy. Sort of. 

My bro's wedding is on Saturday, i'm sort of exited. Today i helped them practice "the vals" (aww).  I've created a plan. I need to be at least 62 kg by Saturday. I haven't weighed since the last time. 

Monday - Friday

Breakfast: 1 apple - 73 kcals

Papaya shake for the rest of the day. It's like 40 kcals per glass.

Super hard, BUT... You gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway. Wish me luck. I'm really lookiong forwar to this. & this time i hope to get way better results that the last time i weighed. 

you see everything, you see every part you see all my light and you love my dark

I've found the song that describes my exact "sort of relationship" with anorexia...
me - ana.
Everything - Alanis Morissette

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it's going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen

And you've never met anyone

Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm terrified and mistrusting

And you've never met anyone as,

As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here 

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

Loads & loads of thinspo

Small steps :)

Hello my lovely girls. How are you? I'm not really in the mood to write about my crappy day as a fat girl. I feel like i'm only disappointing you, like you'll get tired of my whining. Hehe

So i just wanted to thank you for your support, you're lovely comments. You make me feel good, & you're giving me strength. Small steps, patience. That's it. I'll be fine, i promise you that from now on, i'll give you only good news. It's not about whining, you know. Those who are feeling sorry for themselves all the time, get nowhere. ACTION. That's the key. I love you so very much! Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

HELP :(

So i'm officially the even bigger cow i used to be. I still can't believe how fucked up i am... LW: 125 pounds, last year, Jan. & Now... 143?  WOW... JUST wow... 

Today i was talking with my mom, suddenly she started telling me how much she has been eating lately. That she feels she has gained. i know she wasn't saying that because of her, i know she was talking about me. She just doesn't tell it to me DIRECTLY, cause she knows how obsessed with my weight i am. She noticed when i stopped eating 2 years ago, she was always trying to make me eat, BUT in a way she felt happy for me, cause i was losing weight. She used to be super tiny when she was my age, she still is thin, i mean she does have a little bit of fat due to pregnancy, etc etc. But she weighs 128 pounds. So, it's not that bad for her. But she was always concerned about my weight. When i was younger, 14 yeas old, she took me to every nutritionist you can imagine. & she was always telling me not to eat, i weighed 165 pounds. Of course, SHE HAD TO BE LIKE THAT. But she stopped, when she noticed my dramatic weight loss. Then she started begging me to eat!! & she was soo worried cause she could see my collarbones... 

I love my mom, i really do. But i'd rather her tell me... LOOK TILDA,  YOU'RE OBESE NOW, I'VE NOTICED .,.. SO COULD YOU PLEASE STOP  EATING AGAIN? Instead of trying to be sweet & sayin she's the one who's fat, hoping that i'd understand I AM the one who's fat. 

So i finally said, YES MOM, I AM OBESE TOO... & she just gave me this look... This look she gives when she wants to say yes but feels too guilty to say it.  so i understood. 

We've created this community in order to get support. So please tell me, what can i do? I've lost it all. 2 years ago, i used to be so strong, so damn strong. & no, it's not that i'm stuck in the past, but i just don't know how to get back on track again. I don't know where to start, how to be patient? I hate HATE hate hating myself, i hate going to college feeling like everyone's looking at me, & judging me cause i'm fat. I am so over with this,  i don't know what to do. Today i ATE. A LOT, yes... depression leads me to EAT. I know, there're no excuses, but i just can't help it. Please give me strength, tell me. What to do? How do i get back to the old Tilda? The one who could go on a week without eating. I am desperate, i need you girls. :(

FUCK MY LIFE :'(

I couldn't sleep, so I decided leave my fears behind; weight. I cannot fucking believe this. I mean, i know i had an awful weekend. But never could i imagined it was going to get so bad.  65 kg - 143 pounds. HOW ON EARTH IS THAT POSSIBLE? I haven't been naughty, i swear i've been trying my best. How can i weight that? LDKFJDSÑJK it's so not fucking fair! :'( I wanna fucking die! No matter how hard i fucking try... This fucking sucks! I fucking hate everything! I'll never get a fucking boyfriend, i'll never get to fucking wear pretty clothing, i'll never get to wear a fucking bikini, or get a tattoo, cause i'll always be a fucking fat girl. :'( :'( :'(

I swear, i'm crying. :'( I just cannot fucking believe this. Thought i'd be 60kg AT LEAST. but 65? 65? 65?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, LIFE'S A BITCH AND THEN YOU FUCKING DIE! :'( :'( :'(

Where is BONNIE?

Does anyone know where's bonnie? Elegantthinspo? 

What happened to her? Is she okay? She just disappeared from blogging world & it worries me. If anyone knows, please let me know. Does she have another blog?

Thinspo, Movie, À la folie... pas du tout

Today at m french class we watched a movie -->À la folie... pas du tout

Loved it! Audrey's such a freak in the movie! Haha, you should watch it! It's really good.

Also, cause i looooove audrey's body. She so freaking tiny!! I mean, that movie is kinda old. She was even tinier, i think. Great thinspo.

Plans plans, picture of my silly dog

Hmmm forgot to tell my my week plan. 

2 weeks for the wedding. I need to hurry this up. SO

LIQUID DIET! :) 

My mom just bought a juice extractor! :) So, it'll be easy. Yup yup. 

MORE exercise.

Elliptical - 30 min

Ping pong - 30 min

Up-down stairs - 20 times

Walking my silly dog - 30 min

Jumping jacks - 200

Say hello to my silly dog, Nic

Oh, & that's my leg he's resting on.

Pretty song to start off a new wonderful week, after a crappy weekend. Shine on - The kooks

Awful binging day

OHMYGOD! Binging day, oh it was awful awful! :'( 

Breakfast: Bread bread & bread with jelly & peanut butter, coffee with chocolate chip cookies

Lunch: A salad, with RANCH dressing, vanilla & caramel ice cream. 

Dinner: Mcdonalds, cheeseburger (without the meet of course) haha i take it off. Simple. French fries, mine & i ate half of my mom's french fries! With loads of ketchup. Then i ate a m&m mcflurry. Later, my sister in law brought cheescake, and i had TWO PIECES! 

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK... Weak! I so fucking screw up ...I'm weak, therefore i'll always be a fat ugly cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!! 


Oh yeah, & now, the cherry of the ice cream... You know what my sister ate from mcdonalds? NOTHING!! NOTHING!! Instead she drank a pineapple shake. That's it! FUCK FUCK FUCK... I'll be the fattest fucking ugly maid of honor at the party! FUCK FUCK FUCK

...

My sister can be such a bitch sometimes. Can you believe she didn't fucking borrow me her laptop today?  I just needed it to print a fucking hw, cause i don't have the fucking printer installed in my laptop and someone fucking lost the cd. ... SHE DIDN'T FUCKING CARE!! I asked her & she said no, that's why you got YOUR lap & i got MINE, so FUCK OFF. I still can't believe her. I fucking hate her right now! What kind of sister is she? FUCK... Whenever she needs something i give it to her, if she needs help; i help her. WHATEVER, there i am, ALWAYS. & she cannot fucking borrow me her fucking computer. UNBELIEVABLE ... Sucks how you're always there for some, & when you need them, no matter how fucking little help you need. They just won't fucking be there.

Okaay so... my sister is losing weight! I HATE IT!! I'm the one who should be thin! Not her!! She  had always been the tiny one, until a year ago! She got so fat, one of my friends thought she was pregnat! & now SHE'S LOSING WEIGHT? Agh, even she can do it faster than me!

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Summer school, maid of honor duties

It's been a while, haha i'm in summer school... 

Hate it! Well almost... I'm taking Statistics, Microeconomics and History. 

I only like history. 

& statistics, cause Mr perfect is take that class with me. Haha

I have soo much homework! I hateeee it!! 

And girls, DON'T be maids of honor, i swear it's so stressing! 

I've been making calls, asking people if they'll assist to the wedding banquet. It's sooo boring, & some people are so freaking rude! Then, wedding dinner test (yuck), dresses, make-up, hair, looking for shoes, i have to read a thingy at church! (aghhh), photo shoots... (i'm not a model, never have and never will be. The camera freaking hates me!! )

The only good part of my days lately is that i've been having just one meal! Then water the rest of the day! So that's good i guess. & i've been moving a lot! Walking walking, etc etc. The wedding is in 2 weeks! I SWEAR i'll weight the friday before the wedding... Hope to weigh 128 at least! :( 

Anyways, gotta go. Love ya all!! Kisses

Best wishes for the upcoming week :)

Cannot sleep... 

Off to read the last chapters of  The Lovely Bones, GREAT GREAT book. Have any of you watched the movie? Is it good? Anyway... 

Mondays, i love them! Hope you have a great week! Stay away from food! Stay strong, exercise! And smile, a lot! :D It'll brighten up you day. Love you all so very much.

Why does food have to be EVERYWHERE i go to? It sucks, it just does! Now that i need to just STOP eating, I have "meetings", almost every freaking day! Due to my bro's wedding. This sucks. Today i went to a bachelor's  party, sort of. & there was dinner, of course, & i couldn't say no. Tomorrow i have a meeting with the other mades of honor. I suggested, "oh, let's go to a caffe", they of course didn't want to! So now we'll meet up at a freaking restaurant!! And i'll keep on gaining and gaining! I'm fucking fat!!! 

Oh yes, now wednesday i have a french test. & after that we'll go eat crepes & drink beer, of course i can say NO to a crepe. But not to beer... Then friday, wedding dinner test. My bro and her gf wants us to go. I can't say NO of course! Sucks sucks sucks!!! 

So, here's the plan. I'll have to eat, or drink. But that would be just one meal... So, i'll be in a hald liquid diet, sort of... Liquids? Papaya shake, carrot and orange juice... etc 

Hope it works, cause it's getting tiring to look so fucking fat, even when i do do something about it!

I'm back, & IT'S A BOY!

Hiiiii sweetys. I am back! Had lots of fun. Great week, but the past 3 days i ate & ate & ate. Anyway, I need some sleep. 

Oh yes, and IT'S A BOY!! I cannot wait to my my little tiny handsome newphew! :D 

Okay, we're not 100% sure. But, the doctor says he is 97% it will be a boy. We'll just have to wait 1 more month to know for sure! :D Oh i'm so happy!! :D 

I'll misssss you

I'm leaving to S... Haha, tiny country next to mine. My cousin lives there, so i'll go visit. The semester starts on May 20. So i'm leaving to S from May 8 to May 15! I'm so exited! :D Wish me luck. I'll miss youu! I won't be posting, OF COURSE! I'll have computer and internet there, but i'm not going to risk! I'll stay strong. I love you all!! :D

Gotta go, i'm meeting with a few friends. Then back home to pack, theeeen get some good sleep. Cause i'll be heading S tomorrow at 5 am. YAY:D

I almost passed out!

Thax for the support sweeties! :) Your words make me feel good. They really do. :)

The semester is over, and that couldn't make me happier. 

So i think it's time to make a pause with lemonade diet and eat something. Today i almost fainted! I was reading, when i stand  up, everything went blank and my legs were feeling so weak. Like i could give in in any moment. A minute later i "came back" everything was still blurry and i was supporting myself on the wall. It was scary cause i was homealone! Anyway, i know that's not healthy. But maybe in a way it was good. Cause i haven't felt this way in a loooong loooong time. Maybe cause i hadn't been doing this good with my diets, until this week. And that's good. Anyway, gotta go eat some papaya cause i really don't want to pass out. Haha. Then i'll do some exercise. I'll try bonnie's tips and i'll play some ping pong. Take care honeys and thank you so much for your support. I love you all very much.

Life's a bitch and then you die.

I'm so depressed. Really. Even though i've been doing great with lemonade diet. I still haven't weight. I just can't. I hate college, though i did good on my advertising final. NOT as good as to say i'll pass the class. Today i got back early from college, and i slept from 12 am until 5:30 pm. And i'm still tired.

Though everything seems to be going just fine with my life, it isn't. Actually, I haven't been this depressed in a really long time. Not even last year. 2010 has just been fucked up. I barely see my friends anymore. And they just don't seem to care about me as much as they did. We don't get along as well as we did. We're getting farther and farther from each other, and i've come to the point where even though it hurts, i just don't care anymore. Maybe cause sometimes i just can't stand them, i love them, but i can't stand them. Maybe cause in a way i'm jealous. Cause they're always happy, and everything seems to be working just fine with their lives. Every decision they've made was THE BEST. They're studying what they love. They have a boyfriend, a good one. 

But me. Well, I should be happy. But i'm not. The first thing on my goals for this year is BE HAPPY. It's may already, and i'm not even close to that. I spend my day daydreaming about how awesome things would be IF I HAD... but then, i come back to earth and i remember i didn't. And it sucks. And everything sucks. And nobody believes in me anymore. And i don't believe in me anymore. And i wish to die. I wish to be born again. Do everything right,  be who i want to be. 

I just hate my life right now. I'm trying to find reasons that keep me going, i'm trying to find that light that may inspire me to keep on going with my life. I just can't find it. And i'm scared i never will. 

Reverse thinspo

Gross, i know. 

I've just seen Bonnie's progress. And OMG. Okay, I think it's more thinspiring to actually look at the progress. You know, instead of just reading the words. So i'll update with a picture of my gross fat tummy every two weeks. :) 

Lemonade diet is going fucking great!!!!!! :D I feel sooo good and happy!! :D 

BUT, I still haven't been able to manage my "scale fear"! :( I swear i'm not overreacting, maybe i'm not scared of the scale. I'm scared of what it can tell me! 

I've been really busy and stressed these past few days, cause i've been studying for my finals. I did GREAT on my Law final. AND on economics too! :D I'm so happy.

My happiness ends tomorrow, for i have the advertising final. It's gonna be FUCKING hard! :S I studied but i'm sure it won't be enough, even if i memorize the whole fucking book. And i'm scared I'll do bad on the exam and that it will lead me into a depressive binging. :S I'll stay strong. I know i can.

2 am

2:00 am and i cannot fucking sleep! I've just finished a stupiiiid assignment for my advertising class. I've noticed how FAT my arms are! I don't even wanna go to college tomorrow cause i can't find a pretty blouse that covers my huge disgusting arms! Besides i have french tomorrow. And I haven't mentioned that i have a crush on my french teacher! Hahahaha, he isn't hot. He has pretty eyes, but he is toooooooooooooooooo thin! And tooooooooooooo tall! He's like a big stick with a huge head, with pretty eyes and smile. But my crush is due to his personality! He is soo much fun! He sits next to me, to give the class. And he makes all types of jokes, i laugh and laugh and laugh and learn of course! Hahaha he is 29. Lol, i know... I'm the kind of girls who likes 28-29 years old, french dudes. Anyway! Now I don't even want to go to my fucking french class, cause he'll be digusted by my fat arms and face. Everything! 

My irrational fear for the scale keeps on increasing! Like really, i can't even walk passed the bathroom. Cause i know i have to weight, but i cant. Like reeally, there's some kinda force that grabs my legs and doesn't let me walk passed the bathroom's door. I HATE IT! :'( I'm just too scared of what the result will be. And after this weekend... OMG.

So i'm starting, AGAIN, lemonade diet tomorrow. I'll try to keep going for 10 days! :S I dunno if i'll stand it! I mean that fucking lemonade tastes like rotten waffles! Whatever, wish me luck. I know i'm not a thinpo for anybody. :( But i promise that i'm working on it. And i WILL be! 

Tons of love for everyone! :D

Oh and hiii to my new lovely follower! :D

I've been tagged

Bonnie tagged me, so here are my answers...

1) What are the first five things you do on a regular morning?

1. Try to remember what i dreamed. 
2. Brush my teeth
3. Take a shower
4. Get dressed
5. And run like a ninja so i don't miss the bus to college. :)

2) If you could meet a person, dead or alive, who would it be? Why?

• Lewis Carrol, just to talk about nonsense stuff. And to ask him if there's a real meaning to all those weird words he made up. haha

3) What's the one wild thing you would do if nobody gossiped/laughed about it afterwards?

• I'd go to New Zeland to do this -> http://www.trekadventuretours.co.nz/island_explorer.html ... I dunno if that's "wild" but it looks freaaking awesome!! :D

4) Name five of your favourite Bands.

1. Coldplay (loooove them)
2. The beach boys (Yes, I love old music)
3. Koop
4. U2
5. The weepies

5) Name five of your favourite celeb/model thinspirations?

• Don't really know names, but i looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the girls who model for Benneton!

6) What's the best thing to make you avoid eating?

• SLEEPING!!

7) What is your favourite food, alcoholic and non-alcoholic drink?

• Food: PIZZA & CREPES (yuck :( )
• Alcoholic: BEER, BEER & more BEER
• Non-alcoholic: Hot chocolate (from Spain, oh dear God... it's soooo good. 

Now i'm tagging Miss Burton "Nads", Lucy

1. Worst pet peeves?
2. Place you wish you could be right now?
3. What food is the hardest to no to?
4. If you're told that you're gonna die within 1 week, what would you do?
5. Best technic to make your parents think you've eaten? 

 Okay, only 5. I'm blank. My imagination has broken down. 

Dododo...

No, i'm not even gonna tell you how i did today on my bro's wedding. 

It really didn't help that i ate nothing during the day. At 7 pm, when dinner was served i stuffed my face with whatever they gave me. Awful... just awful.