Bleh

I live in a constant depression... It comes and goes, but it's there pretty much all of the time. I think i wrote about this in the past... People really don't get it but the thinner i am the better i feel... I may be 134 pound today and i feel "good"... But if i wake up tomorrow with 135 pound... OH LORD, don't even try to walk in front of a mirror cause i see a completely different person than i did yesterday. It's that serious and it is NOT normal, NOT right... But there really isn't much i can do to change it, you know? 

I have to admit, i always wonder whether i should make time in my schedule and actually start posting daily, they way i did before... But then i get scared, i don't want to be trapped in this all my life. I just wish i could love myself the way i am... But who am i kidding? That never worked and will never work for me. I have been in this for almost 8 years now. WOW. Time goes by so fast... And you know how you always think, in 5 yeas everything is going to be so fucking awesome. Well... NO. 

Of course, things will never get fucking better if you don't try to make them better. Whenever i am serious about this, it's like everything starts working on my favor, you know? I start losing weight, i start feeling better... Therefore i start going out more and meeting a lot more new people... 

But that's not how things are now. Of course they're not. 

You see, this years things changed so so so much. My best friend (Or so i think) had to leave the country. I never got to say goodbye, she got very sick, she almost died... She came back 2 weeks ago, she leaves in 2 weeks, and then... I have no idea when we will see each other again. This fucking kills me. I have never been the friendly type of girl, you know? I've always had few friends and done crazy shit but just with this few friends i keep close to me. I don't trust people... I don't know what i'll do without her. 

I wish i had some positive shit to say... But i don't! Oh well...

Not so misunderstood

B and Rachel, well hello there. I have missed all of you too. Like you have no idea. I am absent everywhere, not just here in blogging world. I'm happy and sad, if that even makes sense. I am still fat, i hate myself everyday for this. I love you girls, i think there's no people in this world who can get me the way you girls do and you have no idea how good that feels. I hear in my head... "I am not so crazy after all". Love, tils.

Happyness?

It's so sad to have your happyness depeding on your weight. 

"If i am fat, i can't be happy" I hear in my head all the time.

Nothing to say.

I hate chemistry. I fucking hate it. 

I'm starting fruid diet tomorrow. I'll see how it goes, i'm at 135 now. I am FAT. 

Fucked up world

Darwin said that the one who survives is the one that is the most adaptable to change. Well i'm fucked. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like everybody knows something i don't. Like everybody has a key to make themselves function in this damn world and i missed the day the keys were delivered. I'm not likable and i don't like people. I don't get along with them. I may be around all this "friends" all the time but i don't feel like i belong there. I hate how everything works, i hate how shallow people can be, i hate how people don't care about anything, this world is all fucked up and everybody seems to keep on walking doing their thing, and i'm not saying that is wrong, it's just that... People need to get their damn feet down to earth and try to see the world with diffetent eyes. People need to start CARING.

They don't get it, do they?

So, yesterday was awful, my brother, his wife and mi lil nephew came to have dinner (I don't know what the hell we were celebrating, i mean, it was freaking monday). What made it awful wasn't the food, i bareley even touch the food, i said i wasn't feeling good, besides they made roasted chicken (i'm vegetarian) and salad, so i could only be served salad... SO, the problem was when they started talking about diets and blah blah blah...

You see, when I was SKINNY, my brother would call me "ratoncito" (little mouse in spanish) cause he said i looked like a tiny bony mouse with big head... It was until I was 10 years old, i started gaining weight, it wasn't that bad, just a bit of gaining... But when i turned 12 i was FAT, i don't remember, of course, in that time i didn't give a damn about how i looked! I was a happy chubby kid...  

Everybody started making fun of how fat i used to be, they don't know, they don't understand how much damage they do to me! And my brother started telling me how i loved eating cereal and cheese and pizza, etc! I was trying to smile, as if it was so funny, then mi sister, who has gotten so fucking fat, started laughing and saying omg Tilda has never had control over her food has she? I mean whenever i see her she's eating cheese and bread... The asshole is never home, how dare she say something like that!!! I was getting so mad and frustrated, i wanted to cry! THEY DON'T FUCKING GET IT... It hurts and it kills me, to know i am a fatass, now even worse hearing people making fun of! HOW FUCKING DARE THEY?!! 

Later I said i was tired and i would go to bed, truth is i only came to my room cause i wanted to cry so bad! It is so frustrating, hating myself, looking at myself in the mirror and hating EVERYTHING i see! I hate this, i hate feeling like this!

So, in the end i think they actually did something positive, they inspired me, in a way... I wanna fucking prove them all wrong... So i am more serious about this!!! I swear to god i am going lower than 124 this time! I need to be at least 120 by September! I am so doing this. I will take pictures and upload them in the "progress" thingy up there...

When i was 14 i was 166 pounds. And i started freaking out, i started hating myself, i stopped eating. I went down to 135 pounds! During 10th and 11th grade i went up to 155 punds. After I graduated i had a leap year, i stopped eating again, i had another blog, i was damn serious about it, i even started making myself puke. So i went down to about 124 pounds, and since then, I have not been able to go lower that that. I've been up and down, i'm mostly at 133, at the moment i'm at 138 pounds, i am gross!

These pretty bitches

Okay, i don't know if you are going to like the song, but look at those girl's bodies. Don't you love them?

Well hello there

Wow, i can't believe how much time it has been since i first created this blog.

Almost 3 years? WOW.

I thought on starting a new blog with a new name blah bla, but i decided to stick to this one. I enjoy reading my past... I have developed in so many ways, yet somehow i am still the same old Matilda.

I can't believe i keep coming back and leaving and back again...

I swear i am staying this time. I remember how good it felt when i was having a rough day, getting back home and writting my hear out.

It's been so much, i don't think anybody is going to read this, but meh. I hope i find some good friends again as i did in the past, which i have lost complete track of! It's sad. I only just found Nads (Miss burton) had a new blog since last year.

So what has been up with my life,

• I am finally studying BIOLOGY. My one and only love. How geeky this sounds, but it's true, i love it!

2011 should've been narrated, but i left blogging world, and so much happened last year. I did so many stupid shit. But i think it was a damn good year, i met so many different people, i lost a bit of my shyness. I became such amazing friends with Steve, he's sort of my best male friend now,  I don't fancy him, he isn't even my type! But we used to sort of flirt and blah blah bla blah! We alway hang out and i have stayed over at his house tons of times, I always stay with him, in his room, but he gave me his bed and he would use the sofa. But about 2 months ago, i got pretty wasted, and i was going to stay over at Lu's house, but she had to leave early and i wanted to keep on drinking and smoking, so he said stay the night and I said yes... Just so you know, HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND, who hates me, anyhow... We got to his house, we went to his room and there was no sofa... So we shared the bed, we were talking blah blah, and he hugged me, and we spent all night cuddling and talking and holding hands and bleehh, this is so lame, nothing happened, of course, but it was... Weird. He had a girlfriend!! GOD, i know we didn't actually DO anything, but STILL... It was like we wanted to... You know? There was a lot touching and fooling around and laughing and staring and blah blah blah... I DON'T LIKE HIM, i reaaaally don't, we're just really really good friends.

Now he broke up with his gf and he's going out with this other girl, and everything has changed so much, i don't see him that often and we don't talk as much as we did before. We haven't "flirt" thaat much ever since... 

Ally, my best female friend, she has cistic fibrosis, from one day to another she got really sick and she had to go to the US as an emergency, she got better, but she is not coming back and I miss her so fucking much, Steve, me and her always hung out on the weekends, it was so much fun, i miss those days. It's awfull, you never know how much you love your friends until you know you are never going to see them again...

So, it's been 2 months since Ally left and i have been in this awful depression, i can't believe how much i miss her. I can't talk about her without starting to cry like a helpless child, it's awful.

Guys? NONE. I don't even know if I want to be with a guy. Last year I was with a few guys, but nothing formal, i didn't want anything formal, i was still sort of broken hearted, you know? Then I have this thing that I can't be with a guy if he's stupid... There is alway some guy buggin, but i just can't! I tried giving a chance to this guy... Well he hated the beatles and he hated reading AND he had no vision in life!! SERIOUSLY? It's not like i wanted to be with him forever, but i couldn't even think of giving him a simple kiss when i found out this about him. NO WAY. It's not like i'm this super smart girl or that i have everything clear in my life, but... Oh god, just tell me someone understand... ANYWAY.

THEN, i met, let's call him Leo, oh boy, Steven introduced us, he was so.. SOOOO... He loved reading, we listen to the same kind of music, he enjoys poetry, he was working as a writter for a local newspaper, he was into cinematography, he was so misterious, he was hot (in his own way), he's one of those very very few guys who can actually pull off a mustache and look damn hot in it! 

I met him a day before I left to this volunteer program, here in my country, in an animal reserve in the middle of the jungle, i had no cellphone, so i gave him my e-mail so he could add me on facebook, he memorized it, and add me the next day, he sent me an inbox, we chat for a few days, I was in the jungle and i was waay overexcited about the volunteer program, so i was kind of cold, and i was busy aaaall day! So i answeard every second day and it's not like i was very talktive, i had no time, really... So he just stopped writting :(. And yeah, i got back to my town and well... Haven't heard of him ever since, i reaally screwed up. I have not me a single guy, like him, EVER. I mean, he was hot, he was intelligent, he enjoyed going out and had amazing music taste. Perfect, uh? ... So now i'm all about finding someone like him LOL.

About my weight... Oh man, up and down up and down, i am at 138 pounds, back again. It sucks :/. I am planning a juice fast this week. Hope it goes great. I don't have time to go to the gym so i got this  Insanity videos, have you heard of them? FUCK, they are fucking good! Am doing them, so yeah that's all there is for now

I don't know if i'm happy or sad... Or whatever i am feeling, i just don't know.