138.3 & this is just the beginning. :P

Weighed in aaaand 138.5. Okay it isn't that much. BUT it is something and that little something with time will make a huge difference!  :D:D Yay. 

Thing is my uncle invited us to have lunch to this mexican restaurant. & we ate nachos, quesadilla & drank beer. I weighed in the morning so i dunno if the 138.5 is still on. Anyhow... Tomorrow starts the juice fast so i guess this was good way of saying bye bye to september and to junk food, right? 


Hope you girls are doing great! :)

Whining about college and intake

Yes! So... The college i wanna transfer to is finally open. Mhm, it was closed because some lazy ass hippies took the buildings for i don't no what reason. 

I want to apply for Biology. Thing is it es kinda hard to get in that college, the exams are hard. In order for me to get in the pharmacy and biology faculty i need to pass 5 exams. Basic knowledge of: Biology, chemistry, physics, math, language.

Biology, math and language don't worry me. But physics and chemistry... I was never good at physics, at chemistry i actually was... but i don't remember a thing now. 

I'm at the library with a huuuge biology and chemistry books. I was taking a look and DAMN this is soo what i want to study. It's so incredibly amazing and interesting the study of life. I want to major in zoology & i'd like to have master on marine biology, or conservation. Or all of them. Hmm...

Man i feel so stupid, sitting here. All happy and exited about something that isn't even happening for me.  I haven't even talked to dad about me dropping my 2 years of marketing and advertising... I don't even know if i'm gonna be accepted at this college. 

Anyway, today was just okay. I couldn't keep up with my papaya fast. Dad made egg muffins.

Today's intake 

1 egg muffin - 300 cals

papaya for the rest of the day. Don't really know how many cals. But it was good. 

Anyway, hi hi hi to all my new followers. :) 

& thank you all for the lovely comments, so i don't feel so lonely with my worries anymore. Thank you! Me love you. Mwuah

Will it ever be enough?

I'm scared. You see, we all have a target weight. Mine is 118. I've seen 115, 100, etc in other blogs. But when we get there, will it be enough? How can i make sure that what i see in the mirror is the truth. No, don't get me wrong, i'm not backing down. Not eating, restricting, less than 700 cals a day is the only thing that has worked for me, and the only thing that makes me feel good and the only thing that makes me feel i have control over something. 

But, will 118 be enough? 

I want to be thin, i want  to be skinny... I don't want to be super skinny, i don't want to be TOO skinny, i want to be pretty skinny. 

This is NOT PRETTY, at all. Her arms are WAY too skinny, 

as well as her legs. So this is definitely NOT my definition of 

pretty, not what i want to be.

This isn't pretty, well... for OBVIOUS reasons! (Ew ew)

Then... What's pretty? 

THIS...

Sep 28 - papaya & tattoos...

Maaaaan i'm freezing! It's soooo windy and cold here. 

So yesterday went great. Papaya papaya papaya, today tooo! Papaya papaya papayaa!

But i still feel bloated and fat and ugly. Specially today i feel like my face is soooo biiiiiig 

 and faaat and that i have the fatest and ugliest  cheeks...

I feel tired and sad, like... just... not okay. You know, i'm sure you've all felt like that some day. Like you don't want to even wake up, want to stay in bed all day, under the blankets... Daydreaming of a better life.

Yesterday i convinced my mom to go take a look at this tattoo place in my town haha, so we went in there and i said oh you remember the tattoo i wanted to get? I'll ask for prices, & mom said... Okay okay :). I want two cherry blossom flowers on my back. So the guy said it would be about $75 / €55. 

So i told my mom... See it isn't thaaat expensive.& mom said, yeah okay... Maybe you're about to convince me! :P 

:D Yesssss, so i may be finaaaaally getting a tattoo. :D

Sep 27 11:30 pm

I'm reading a super interesting book on marine biology! :)

Then i have stupid marketing (ew) homework to do. Thing is i'd rather spend all night reading that amazing marine biology book than doing stupid and boring mkt hw.

I'm reading blogs tomorrow. I love you all.

& hi to my new lovely followers! :D

Sep 27 - 4 am

This is it girls. My tummy is growwwwwwling,, it hurts so bad... And not exactly because i've been starving but because all the shit i've been eating. Specially this weekend. 

I can't keep on going this way, i was doing just fine. Wot on earth happened? It's time to stop whining, to stop making excuses.

It can't keep on going this way. I'm eating papaya, JUST PAPAYA for as long as i can keep up. I need to clean my poor tummy who has been receiving nothing more that fat and shit. 

Who's with me?

Nutritional facts about papaya

 

 

The most common use for papaya is to aid digestion. Papayas are the only natural source of papain, an effective natural digestive aid, which breaks down protein and cleanses the digestive track. This means less food settles into the metabolism and becomes fat, making papayas’ natural digestive properties an advantage to people trying to lose weight.

Diet vs Eating disorder

I found this online... Quite interesting.

Having an Eating Disorder is much more than just being on a diet. 

An Eating Disorder is an illness that permeates all aspects of each sufferer's life, is caused by a variety of emotional factors and influences, and has profound effects on the people suffering and their loved ones.

Dieting is about losing a little bit of weight in a healthy way.

Eating Disorders are about trying to make your whole life better through food and eating (or lack of).

Dieting is about doing something healthy for yourself.

Eating Disorders are about seeking approval and acceptance from everyone through negative attention.

Dieting is about losing a bit of weight and doing it healthfully.

Eating Disorders are about how life won't be good until a bit (or a lot) of weight is lost, and there's no concern for what kind of damage you do to yourself to get there.

Dieting is about losing some weight in a healthy way so how you feel on the outside will match how good you already feel on the inside.

Eating Disorders are about being convinced that your whole self-esteem is hinged on what you weigh and how you look.

Dieting is about attempting to control your weight a bit better.

Eating Disorders are about attempting to control your life and emotions through food/lack of food -- and are a huge neon sign saying "look how out of control I really feel"

Dieting is about losing some weight.

Eating Disorders are about everything going on in life -- stress, coping, pain, anger, acceptance, validation, confusion, fear -- cleverly (or not so cleverly) hidden behind phrases like "I'm just on a diet".

Sep 26 and Thinspo

Not much to say.

Today my bro and his wife made dinner at their house. So we all went there. & my uncle, the one one who i told you about... he lives in Canada and visited after 4 or 5 years. Well today that i'm 139 pounds... He says: "WOW, i think i haven't told you look really good... i remember you were a little chubby last time i came, but you look really good now." WOT? ... 

Anyhow...

Oh well...

Sep 24 - 7:30 pm

At college waiting for the bus... It's freezzzziinng here! Hope that i burn a few calories.

Amazing, just fucking amazing how the body works.

Is it really possible to go from 131 to 140 pounds within 8 days? 

Well, apparently YES. So watch out girls. 

It's fucking unfair how easy it is to put on 9 pounds in 8 days but when it comes to losing you barely lose 1 pound in a week. FUCK IT MAN... 

Sep 25 2:15 pm

Ugh... This guy, let's call him Jan, has been sending me flowers and blah blah... Cheesy stuff. & he seems to be a really good guy you know, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, is a veggie, loves dogs, super intelligent, a gentleman, about to graduate from college ... And he's only 23 years old.  

Uh... Yeah, I DON'T FANCY HIM, not even A TINY LITTLE FUCK. He's too good. & i'm sorry but that's not what i'm looking for. YES YES,  i want a good man, but i don't want to go out and be the only one drinking a beer. I want a bad boy, hahaha... Well not literally... I mean a bad boy with good manners? ... I dunno. I told Lu about him and she almost killed me! But dude... I mean it's not that he's ugly... He's just NOT MY TYPE! Yes he sounds to be good... But he is a little weird, a little geekish...& i'm sorry but i can't force myself to fancy him. PERIOD.

... 

& then there's this other guy... Let's call him Joe. He's HOT, he's a bad boy with good manners, yeah ;)... & he fancies me. BUT, he just wants me to have fun. AND I AM SORRY SIR but i am not someone to JUST HAVE FUN WITH! Yes i want a bad boy, and it's not that i want a formal thing. But i'm not a fling girl. So ...

Yeah my "love life" sucks. I have no choice. Do i ask for too much? I guess i'll be a single fat girl forever. Oh well...

________________________________________

I want to be this...

Sep 23

Pardon me fro for so much whinning these past couple days.

I can't help it. 

I've gone through these before, and i i know these only leads into bingings and gaining and feeling like crap. It's just starting so i really need to go back in track before it's too late.

It's just that lately my life has been coming to pieces, you know? 

First, I FUCKING HATE COLLEGE

Second: mom and dad issues...

Third: the one day that was supposed to be amazing, sep 19th, was a total fail. 

So i can't help feeling like crap. 

My only reason to smile right now is that my nephew is about to be born. 

Otherwise, there is no other joy in my life.

I'm sorry, i don't mean to depress you with all my shit. But i need to get it all out, since here's the only place i can do that.

They say when words fail... Music speaks.

 

I've been feeling down down down... I've been eating like a fat piggy. 

This song gives me a little comfort. 

So for those of you who are feeling crappy, like myself. This one goes for you.

Love you all & i really do hope the sunlight brings rainbows to our tears.

Life boat by Miranda Lee Richards.

Oh my love
Woncha' stop your cryin'
The sunlight's bringin' rainbows to your tears
Cotton swayin' fields are the pillars of your sadness 

Sep 22

I don't feel like writing right now... But i found a couple of images that describe just exactly what i feel & what want right now.

Podría haber llorado un mar de lágrimas saladas
arrojarme a los abismos y partirme en dos el alma
desatar la tempestad y el huracán de mi garganta
y confesar desesperado que no puedo con mi rabia
aunque mi actitud no es hoy tan evidente, no puedo sufrir más.

Que el dolor cuando es por dentro, es más fuerte
no se alivia con decírselo a la gente.

 

Sep 21

Yup... As i expected. Today i weighed 137 pounds. WOW
Life's a bitch ain't it?

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

I think this weekend i put on about 8 pounds. 

No i'm not overreacting.

I feel so fucking bloated. 

I put on a pair of jeans i wore 2 weeks ago and they were a little loose. But now they are TIGHT. Very TIGHT. And my belly... Oh don't even make me start with my belly. Gosh, today is one of those days when you feel the whole world hates you for being such a fat ugly cow.

Sep 20

Thank you for your lovely comments. Yes it's really sad. But i guess that's the course of life and well... :) 

Thank you i love you all so very much too. 

Today started out great, i'm planning on having a juice fast this week. Breakfast was orange and apple juice. But then at lunch mom & dad cooked tempura for me, they said that since i had had a pathetic sep 19th they were going to make today special. How lovely. So i ate tempura for lunch, didn't eat much though cause i wanted to keep it low calorie. 

So now i'll make some more orange and apple juice to take with me to college and that will be my dinner. Wish me luck. 

Hugs for you. Mwah

I know how it feels, trust me

Trust me, i know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it's like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels.

Yeah, things didn't turned out as they were supposed to. 

Saturday stupid Lu lost the pot. It freaking rained so we couldn't light a fire. OF COURSE. But it still turned out to be a pretty cool night. We stayed inside and ate chocolate and drank beer and smoked narguile. My friends ally and lu made a really cute frame with a picture of us three and they added to the frame all this cute things that represent a lot of things we've done through the years and things i expected in life. It was really cute! :) 

But then... Today, sep 19th. My great grandma died. She was 98 years old. I met her only once, last year and she was the cutest old lady in the world. So today i spent all day at a funerary and the at the cemetery, crying. Then went to my aunts house and we ate pizza again. It was so awful. I'm so depressed. 

I'm fat. Even though i never really got to know my great grandma it was sad. Besides my grandmother is devastated. She hasn't sleep in 3 days and has been crying her heart out. It's so sad to see her like that. So yeah, it ended up being a really crappy day. & now i'm stuffing my mouth with a big toblerone chocolate. But like REALLY big, i've eated it all by myself. I'm a fatass.

Sep 17

First: HAPPY BDAY COCO!!! *hugs*

I've been on a liquid fast today. I have a juicer thingy, so i put in it whatever fruit i have. Ex. today has gone like this...

Breakfast - 1 kiwi, 1 apple, 1 orange 

Lunch -1 cup of broccoli soup
Snack - 1 kiwi, 3 apples, 1 pear

Got a new haircut, it looks weird. straight bangs, layered long hair. 

I'm throwing a baby shower for my sis in law, so i went to buy everything i needed for the decoration. Passed by a candy store and bought 3 hershey bars for tomorrow's s'mores... Ally bought the marshmallows and the crackers and Lu has the beer and the pot. :) 

Yeah, good times. 

Almost 20...

Girls i've been restricting so freaking much. Except today, i ate a piece of chocolate... Meh. I've been having less than 700 cals per day. It feels so good!!! I haven't posted, as you know my uncle came on thursday and we've been hanging out with him pretty much all of the time.

My birthday is this sunday. 20 years old. WOW. 

I'm sorry but this weekend i'll forget about any rule i've ever made about the food that goes into my body.

On saturday my friends told me we're going out and we'll eat pizza and drink bear. Later that night we'll go to my friends house light a fire, drink more bear, eat some yummy (though full of fat and calories) s'mores and smoke pot (don't get me wrong, it's not something i'm used to do. but HEY it's my birthday, allow me to have crazy night)

Then sunday 19th, the day in which 20 years ago i was born, i'll spend some quality time with the family. I'll go have lunch and eat ice cream with my uncle and cousins. At night we're having dinner with mom, dad, bro, sis, sister in law & bro in law. Not sure what or where yet... Anywho. 

I'll be a big fail this weekend. Pardon me, but it's my birthday... Won't be in the mood for restricting. I'll fast from monday to friday. & that'll do. :)

Sep 14

Hello my lovelies. Today is going great... Its 3:30 pm and i've only had 1 cup of chopped pineapple. :) Hope it's goes on like this... Things is we're meeting my auncle at night and i'm sure we're going out with the family to have dinner. :S Wish me luck. I'll try to keep it low calorie... 

I haven't weighed, cause to be honest... I'm scared. I'm scared i gained or i'm scared i lost 1/2 pound only. So i guess i'll wait... 

I'm fixing up a pair of jeans i don't wear cause they are UUUGGLY. So i'll turn them into pretty short shorts haha. I'll update with a picture. 

I broke my glasses. :S I use them only in class and to read... Yesterday i left them in my bag. I left my bag on my bed and totally forgot about my glasses. My silly dog jumps on my bed ON THE BAG... Next thing i know is my glasses are broken. :S 

Anyway, thank you for commenting. Sorry if this sounds redundant but you really do make my day with your comments. I love you all so much. 

Ps. COCOO, i don't live in the US :(. SUCKS, but add me on msn... matildabonnet@hotmail.com ... K? :)  

Weekend and monday 13

Crazy weekend.

Ate about 1200 cals per day. Sucks, i now. 

One of my friends' lil bro fell in love with me, he is six, he was telling everyone i was his girlfriend and that he loved me. We all laughed and thought it was cute until he grabbed my boob. Yeah... Little kids are a bit ahead nowadays... 

Monday went great. I only ate a whole wheat cracker!

Today comes my uncle, he lives in Vancouver and i haven't seen him in 5 years. Last time he saw me i weighed about... 150 pounds. So let's hope he notices the change. 

Sorry i haven't read any blogs, i haven't really had time. Lot's of college work and i've been hanging out with my friends a lot... I'm reading and commenting tomorrow morning! :) I love you all so much! & thank you for your lovely comments.

-Lucy, i love youu! Stay strong please. :)

My utopia

Why does it have to be me? 

I enjoy nothing. 

You see... I could be having a blast. 

I could be happy, just hanging out with my friends, walking my dog, talking to the family, talking to my baby nephew (who's still in the tummy but i talk to him whenever my sister in law visits), i could go have a cup of coffee with a friend i haven't seen in too long, I could do all those simple things & be happy, be relaxed. 

BUT 

I can't, of course. Why? CAUSE I AM FAT. Cause no matter how AWESOME the situation is i can't stop thinking: "i'm fat, people are staring, they hate me." Therefore i'm never happy. My mind's always babbling... If i'm happy i think: "Gosh if i were thin i would be WAAAY HAPPIER." ... I'm impossible.

It's like i'm a spider & i got trapped by the same web i built. 

I'm not ever giving up. Of course not. In my world, the only way to find happines,  to get an awesome job, to turn a simple walk with my dog into an awesome expirience, to be successful, to get a boyfriend... Is BEING THIN.

No, you don't have to agree with me. But that's how it works in tildaland. That's the way, that's the ONLY way. 

Get out of your chairs, go to your windows, 

open them and yell: "I'M MAD AS HEL!! 

AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS ANYMORE"

Sick cycle carousel

So... Guess what i just did? I'd say my excuse is i'm mad for only having lost 1.6 pound. & still feeling fat, fatter... The fattest.  But that's just a lame.

I just ate:

2 slices of veggie pizza

Half a cesar salad wrap

1 slice of cheescake

Half a slice of chocolate cake

So, i wasn't thinking... After i ate all that crap i ran to the bathroom and try throwing up (gorss i know) but i couldn't. I haven't done that in a long time... So i just gave up & ran to the kitchen looking for laxatives,  but i found nothing. Until i found this "laxative tea", it's suppose to help you lose weigh without making diets. You have to drink 2 per day. But i was so desperate i drank four.

FAIL. Girls, i am so sorry for being such a big disappointment. I should be an inspiration, but i'm not. I'm a stupid fat cow who has no freaking control.

This is it. Tomorrow i'm doing a liquid fast.

*********************

This is me... A year and a half ago, when i weighed 125.

I mean it's not that i'm skinny there, but i sure look better than i do now. I need to back to that. I can't keep on being the fat insecure girl i've become.


***************************************************

You better believe that I tried to beat this.

When will this end, it goes on and on

Over, and over, and over again.

Keep spinning around I know it won't stop,

Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here

I never thought I'd be standing where I am

I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this,

I guess I was wrong

131.6 - What the...?

Okay, now this is not fucking fair.

After all this freaking sacrifice. I lose 1.7 pounds? 

Okay, yes at least i'm losing. BUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 130 BY TODAY! :@

 I guess i'll never be pretty and thin. :(

Sep 8

1 cup of oatmeal

2 cups of chopped watermelon

1 cup of veggies' soup

I'm almost fainting girls and my tummy aches (gastritis) :S i'll go buy green salad. That'll be it.

Sep 8

Yesterday went great with oatmeal diet.

Today, so far... GREAT. 

I've had 2 cups of oatmeal and one cup of chopped watermelon. 

4 glasses of water. It's 2:30 pm, i'm leaving to college in 2 hours. YUCK. 

Hope all is going great for you girls. 

Love ya.

How to lose weight on the oatmeal diet?

Hello cutie pies! Thank you for the comments on my last post. :) 

My camera must have some magic power, cause i swear my arm looks smaller than it actually is. But thanks for the compliment. & i know i shouldn't be skipping college, but i can't help it. I HATE IT. 

I'll share this article i found on the internet. It's about the oatmeal diet. I've done it before and it works, believe me. I'm doing it. Anyone feel free to join.

How to lose weight on the oatmeal diet?

• Oatmeal can be such a warm cozy comfort food. Spruce it up with some berries, raisins or even a little cinnamon. Oatmeal removes cholestrol from the body and is filling and satisfying. Try to stay away from flavored oatmeal as it is higher in sugar. Opt for a lower sodium or plain variety. If cooked with milk use fat free milk.  

• Drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. This is mandatory as the water "flushes" the fat out of the body and helps to keep the body hydrated.

• Eat one well balanced meal a day. This should include 4-6oz. of protein such as poultry, and or lean cuts of meat from the loin or calf of the animal. At least 2 servings of leafy and/or green vegetables. Whole grains such as brown rice or a complex carbohydrate such as a yam which is a complex carbohydrate which is a good carbohydrate. Stay away from white potatoes and starchy vegetables such as corn. (This one sucks, so i'll only have broil veggies, or green salad... blah bla.)

  • "The first step to motivation is activation" as quoted from a Weight Watchers meeting. (More truthful words were never spoken). The more active you are the more motivated you will become and the easier this will become.

    
    

    
    

    

    
    

  So, most of the diets I found said that you must eat ONLY oatmeal for 7 days. 3 times a day. & tons of water. So i'll try that one out. BTW, 133 pouds still.

  
  

  
  
  
   

Origami

I'm sorry, i'm a failure. I skipped college today. I'm so depressed cause i HATE college, & cause i found some pics taken by a friend this weekend. And i look FAT. SO FAT. I need to be patient, i know. But i want to be thin NOW. I binged. It had been a while since i didn't binge, i mean one thing is having 1200 cals in a day. Other is having 1200 cals in one hour. Yeah, i suck. I'm sorry to disappoint you, i don't know what i was thinking. I guess i wasn't even thinking. 

So i spend most of my day doing origami... Yeah, i found a new hobby. I'm not good at it yet, but i'm learning with youtube instructional videos. I made a piggy, it's kinda my portrait. Big fat piggy. :(

Be patiend and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.

A little thinspo for me, and those out there who need it. 

I see a few other bloggers are fasting too. So let's stick together. We CAN do this girls! Lots of love, & thanks for your lovely comments. *Cyber hugs* 

 

Anxiety

I'm having an anxiety attack.

My mind has gone blank, i cannot fucking concentrate, i don't want to eat but i'm eating, everything happens in slow motion but i'm going too fast. The tick tock of the clock is driving me fucking crazy... I feel like i can't type fast enough. I feel dizzy, i'm tired but i can't sleep, i thinking i'm breathing so i'm not breathing well... If that makes sense... ñdslkfjñlk fjdsñlfkjdsñf añlkdjfñlakdfj añdlkfjañlfk jña ldfkjañlk añlkdjfñlkaj añlkdjfñalkdsjasñlfj ñalkdjfñlskdfjañldkf ajñsdfkñlajdfñl kajdñfiewurpewori  9834723'948jdfk zc,mnv.,khjfñoisdnv jvñadjfd...

Sep 5

I'M SICK!! FUCK, i hate this... This weekend i had about 1200 cals, per day. FUCK...

I'm starting a liquid fast tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Girls, i got the flu, i have a soar throat, i have a headache, i'm coughing & coughing & coughing... I feel awful, my whole body aches! :(  I lost my voice!!! :S

Sep 3

I won't even count how many cals i had yesterday. 

-1 bowl of veggies 

-1 cup of cup of  oatmeal

-1 grilled cheese sandwich

- 4 beers

- 1 slice of chocolate cake (another one, not the one i had at 1:30 am.)

That makes  a total of... Too much. 

1:30 am

OMG i'm a stupid fat cow!!! 

I was writing an essay due tomorrow. I went to prepare a cup of coffee, & there it was... A BIG GROSS BUT DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE, that apparently dad baked today! & what did i do? OF COURSE, I didn't think, i cut a big slice and yes... I ATE THE DAMN THING!! 

Sep 2

Today's intake

half whole wheat veggie sandwich from subway - 300 cals

1 cup of oatmeal - 75 cals

(Here comes the not so healthy part) 1 strawberry marmalade crepe - 400 cals

Total = 775 cals.

No exercise today. :( hmmm

3 am

Girls, i'm starving. 

It's 3 am, and i woke up cause i was thirsty. Drank a glass of water. I wasn't able to fall asleep so i take a book, Don Juan Tenorio, read a few pages and my tummy starts growling. LIKE A FREAKING ANGY LION! :S I won't go eat, of course... But damn it won't shut up! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Funny thing is i didn't fast today. 

Today's intake was

3 cups of oat meal - 275 cals

1 wrap (it was whole wheat, cesar salada... No chicken of course. But it had cheese.) So i'll go with - 400 cals, maybe? 

(kinda looked like this)

Total cal intake - 675 cals

30 minutes on the elliptical - 200 cals

675 - 200 = 475 cals.