Who am i.

W told me he loves me. I did not answer back. I do not want to. He is just too crazy and I am too insecure. But I do, I actually am fond of him, he is so weirdly good in every aspect. Last weekend we spent all night fooling around and we listened to almost 6 albums, yes, and good music, he has such good music taste, so good it kinda makes me love him, yes, it is dumb; but I cannot help it. Yet, I feel so insecure about him, I feel like he is going to leave ANY moment. Like tomorrow he will just say, hey... So I am moving to China, or something like that. That is just how he is, how he acts... And it is one of the reasons why I like him so much, but also why he scares me.

I think I may have a kind of depression, but not the normal one, the clinical one? I know it sounds stupid but I just really don't seem to pull my life up. I have always feel trapped in my emotions. I kept on telling myself: "DO NOT FREAK OUT, STOP ACTING LIKE AN ADOLESCENT!!!!". I have come realized that what I feel is not normal. I don't even know how to explain myself, you know? I just always feel down, always, always always always. I have 2 o 3 good days in a month, the rest of them are pure shit. My parents never knew, or if they did, they never thought it was serious. But is it normal that someone go a day without thinking... "It would be easier if I was dead"? I just don't seem to find my place in this town, nor do I seem to find it in me. How can I be with someone if I can't even pull a day together with myself? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy/LOVE being alone, but being alone equals me talking to myself all day. Which is good, I guess, but I sometimes just want to hit myself on the head so I can fix whatever shit is not working right inside, you know? 

I want to paint. You know, since I was a little kid I loved drawing and painting, I once asked mom and dad if I could study art somewhere, and they said: "That is not important, you are not going to need that when you grow up, that is why you are studying English (the lenguage), you do not need to go into things that will not help you in a career". I know that sound a lot like The Little Prince, but that is exactly how it went, that was the moment the painter in me died. I stopped doing it... In school we received a very lame art class and I was good, or so people told me, but I did not see it, I could not see it, I was blinded by the thought "This is not good for a career". Still I used to draw somethimes, mostly faces, but then I threw them away, I keep about 5, they are awful and amateur, but I feel the need to keep them with me... A few days ago I wandering and say a (How do you call the palces where you buy pencils and all those things you need for school?), well that, I entered and I bought 2 pencils and 1 eraser. I now laugh, I don't know why I did it and I do not even remember much. All I remember clear is walking out of that place with 2 pencils and an eraser. I have them on my desk and I do not know when or if I am ever going to use them.

Love

I weighed 3 weeks ago and I was 135. Very bad, but better that it was before. But now I am pretty sure I am back to 140. Today I only drank water. Holy week is over and I am back to college. I am almost convinced that I have no biologist material. I am not willing to kill animals just so I can understand them, it goes completely against my ideals. I do not know what I am gonna do. I am 22 already, I have no job and I do not want to be a biologist. Awful and wonderful how life changes, right? 

Other than that, remember W? We have not made it official and I don't really mind. I just like him so much and he is so very good to me. He is 2 years younger than me, it's funny  because I always said I would never date someone younger than me, but then W happened and yes, I have fallen in love. W is a sexy weirdo, he's intelligent, he has this idea that he knows the world can be changed through art haha, he's the best. I am scared, nothing good ever happens to me, I mean, when it comes to this kind of things; but it is happening and I am beginning to accept it. We all deserve a little love and happiness once in a while, I suppose. 

I am planning on losing 6 pounds in 2 weeks. I will not stop eating because I really don't want to get sick. I am just gonna try to go with low calorie diet. I will start with a 3 day fruit fast and then I will try to have 800 cals per day. Hopefully it will work. Also I will start the Insanity videos all over again, I stopped doing them about a month ago, I suck haha. 

I cannot believe I am still around this blog. I am not complaining, I actually like it. I like reading old posts and seeing how my life has developed. Anyway, hope you girls are great, kisses, Tilda.

Messy me

I'm back again. First of all, thak's for the lovely comments. I'm all better now, still miss her but it's okay. Lucy, I'd looove to go there, it looks mavelous.

I know i never say anything positive, but nothing good seems to happen to me. I am so sorry.

So, a month after my last entry my grandmother died. I don't know if i have told you but she got very sick in August and ever since then we couldn't take her out of the hospital. I still don't believe it, i haven't come down to earth, i guess. I just can't believe i will never see her again... Anyway, I don't really feel like talking about this.

2013 had a pretty cool and calm start, anyway, i went camping with my best friend. Just me and her, we're sort of having a mental break down, so we decided to run away from the big parties with awful music and a lot of drunk jerks.  It was good. being away for a couple days. I liked it so much i decided on running away for 10 more days haha, and went to volunteer to the animal rescue center i went a year ago. It was awesome, i got to work with moneys haha! :D So, yes, that's a good start, i suppose.

I met someone. Call him W. Or well, i met someone i apparently knew all my life. We've been dating for the past two months, and we have not kissed or anything of that sort yet. YES, I know, but he's just so so so much that i've always wanted, i really don't want to rush anything... . We have a lot in common, he's very shy and kind of weird, but: he is, and i don't want to soud like I am idolizing him, one of the most interesting people I know.

Since my last post i lost 6 pounds... Which i am pretty sure i gained back again. I'm a mess, i know. I'm a walking mess.