Ugh i'm sorry i've been away. I haven't been a good blogger these past couple days. 

It's just that i've been so busy with the hospital, college, homework bla bla bla. 

Life's tough. You know, one thing goes SUPER AWESOME. 4 things go to shit. 

I'm sick of Lu. She's acting like a bitch again & now i have no idea why. & now Ally is friends with all of ther college friends and they go out and do shit and since i've been busy. Now they don't even ask me if i can go with them. I'm sick and tired of people. 

I want to leave this fucking place and start all over. 

I'm so done with everything here.

Step out of your skin
put it in a jar
i thought they were my friends
but they were cannibals

where should i begin
telling you what i am?
i'm a normal alien

we thought we were alone
but we had just started
we thought we left home
but we never departed
there's poison in the air
but we don't care

We don't care - mgmt

 

Oct 29

Okay, so i know you may not see much difference. but I SWEAR it changed. First picture i took, oct 10... I didn't have the guts to take off my shorts cause it hid a bit of fat. LOL. But now i managed to take one without my shorts. So yeah. There i am. Fat i know. I'm sorry for making you watch this but i promise to update with pics. So there it is. I don't know my weigh cause i didn't weigh. I'm scared, even though i have lost. I know i have. I haven't been having more than 1000 cals for the past 10 days i think. So yeah... Hmm

700 cals. Finally a decent post!

Got out early from the hospital again. :)

I finally have time to write a decent post. 

At the hospital, today, they made me eat. 

1 bowl of milk with corn flakes (200 cals)

1 teaspoon honey (50 cals)

1 bowl of potato soup (200 cals)

Lettuce salda with lemon juice (30 cals)

1 piece of cheese (150 cals)

Total = 630 -700 cals

Okay so at least i'm not going over 1000 cals.

A lot has happened that i haven't told you about. 

First. 

Finally got things fixed with Lu. She was mad cause she says i don't trust her. Blah blah, i explained and well we're all happy now. 

Second.

I told my parents about me dropping my two years of marketing/advertising, so i can study biology. They took it, okay. They told me they are not happy with my sudden decision but all they want is for me to be happy. I still feel like shit cause i know all the money they've "invested" in me through this two years, money they are really needing now. :( So i feel like crap.

Thrid. 

I went to UC college, it's the college i want to study in. I've made the first exam. I get the results next tuesday. I'm nervous, but STOKED. 

Fourth.

I'm sad. Mom and dad don't get along well. They try, but you notice they don't. They are together but they are so distant. & it sucks. It sucks. IT SUCKS. We used to be a happy family, mom and dad used to be such a sweet couple. They even took cooking classes together. They were happy. & i know dad is sad, i see it in his eyes. & it hurts me so much to see him like that. My dad is one of a kind. He is so amazing. If you could meet him. I swear you'd love him. He's a good man. Mom, mom is kinda special. She had a had childhood, my grandpa used to be a bitter man, so my mom never really knew the love of a dad. But i love her still. She's the one who taught the love for animals, she's hard to get along with sometimes. But she's done her best to change and be a good mom, and i love her for that. It hurts me to see them like that. I don't them to feel pain, i want them to be happy. I wish they knew how amazing they are. 

Fifth.

My bf from college told me i was thin. Didn't believe her of course.

Sixth.

Apparently guys fancy me. (not all, duh) Yeah. I don't know why. But first Joe, but he's just an ass so he doesn't matter. Now Dan, i think i told you about him. He's sort of friends with joe. Well last week we hung out and he's a lot of fun, he is ugly. Yeah i said it. He is, but somehow i find him very attractive.  Then, when i went to UC college, well Lu sand Dan studie there. So i hung with me while i was waiting for them to call me to go make the test. Lu introduced me to a few friends of her and she told i created a bit of a fuzz there. They were all, Ohh who is she? Does she have a boyfriend? She's so cute. Lu help us there, oh oh. And Dan was all LEAVE HER ALONE SHE IS MINE. Lol. 

It's so stupid, but i just love the attention. 

----

Gosh, dad just came home and as i've told you. He loves cooking. He says he's making banana cake. Oh daddy, why do you do this to me? I'll stay away from it. I'm not even hungry anymore. YAY. It's so awesome, girls i swear i haven't felt hunger pains in a while now. I haven't been having dinner. & i don't get hungry. :) 

Okay, gotta go to college. Don't wanna get you bored with all my rambling. 

Love you my loves. So much. 

Stay strong.

Computer is healed! Me? Not so much

OHH I'VE MISS YOUUUUU!!! 

I finally got my computer back! Yayyyy 

But i have to apologize for i don't bring good news back. 

It's been 2 very hectic weeks! I've been working as an interpreter at a hospital. From 7 am to 4:00 pm. They make me have breakfast, morning snack aaand lunch. Sounds awful right? :( I can't say no cause it would be rude with all the doctors. It sucks, first because I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING EAT, second cause the food is sooooo awful! It's just YUCKY. :( I haven't weighed, i'm so scared! Thank god this is the last week i'll be here! 

Also i've been sick since Thursday! Flu, but a really awful torturing flu. I was hoping the doctors asked me not to come anymore due to my illness haha. But no... Apparently it will do no harm to people. :( Anyway. Now i gotta go, lunch time is over. Need to go back to work. 

Love you all!!!! 

Update ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Awesome, now i got my period. I have cramps and i feel bloated. Awesome just awesome. 

I left earlier today so i could read a few of you blogs. Lol, i told my boss i was feeling a lot sicker so she let me go. *giggles*

Clear recent history.

Sunshines!

Clear recent history would be enough, right? 

Gosh i just miss you. Specially now. :( 

Broke the fast, nothing awful really. Had a slice of whole wheat bread today, dad insisted on making me eat something for breakfast & since they didn't make a fuzz about past events, you know... I don't want them to start now. So i ate that fucking thing. I'm sorry :(. But they won't be home tomorrow so i'll juice fast again. 

Apparently Lu and i are not best friends anymore. I mean we were friends since we were 13, we met in high school & since then we've been  together all the time. But now things are so different, she's changed a lot, i've changed. & i miss her. I miss old her. Now she's a bit... ugh what's the word.  Different? Smartass? Um... I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep, i'm sad :( so i sneaked into my dad's office  to come write this. 

She uploaded a picture on facebook of this other girl, who btw is the girl who made out with Joe, & apparently she's her "bff" now.... Douchy...  & Lu wrote: "Having a friend like you is so amazing! Thanks love, you are such a special girl and i think you stole a big piece of my heart!! Hehe... I LOVE YOUU & thanks cause YOU have been with me through thick and thin and i know YOU are the kind of friend who always will. So you know YOU can count on me! I LOVE YOUUU HONEY!" 

Those exact words. I translated. & no i'm not being paranoid. She is doing it so i feel bad. Worst case is she IS making me feel awful. 

Okay now i gotta go cause i feel dad's coming up any second.

I can't promise to read or update after this. 

Gosh i really do hope "clear recent history" works. :S 

Love you my sunshines!! 

Thank you, thank you so much for being my support.

Thank you. I'll never get tired of saying it. THANK YOU.

Today went great.! Orange juice all day long hehe.

Girls i don't have much time, my stupid lap broke down!! & i'm at a cafe internet now. My cousin is going to repair it and he's giving it back to me in a week. I won't be able to update cause i'll be using my dad's computer! 

God i'm freaking mad! I'll miss you :( 

But i promise to stay strong! 

You girls stay strong too!!! :D 

It's just 7 days. Stay strong my loves.

Gotta go! 

Lots of kisses for you. 

Juice fast daay 2 - Don't give up.

Hello sunshines! 

I'm so happy i inspired a few of you to upload pictures of your progress! :) 

We're all gonna look so incredibly awesome! :D 

After reading your blogs i see that a lot of us are being soo determined on our goals! And that makes me flipping happy! So for those of you who are not feeling good, stop it right now! There's no way of us getting ahead if we're feeling sad. We're all strong girls. We can do this and everything we want to do. We can be everything we want to be. So chins up girls. Big bright smile and now go kick some ass. Okay? I love you all so so so so so very much!

Juice fast day 2. AAAAWESOME! :D

Woke up at about 9 am & i wasn't hungry so i didn't drink anything but water. 

At about 5 my tummy started growling so i made some orange, tangerine and apple juice. Yummy yummy.  & that was it. 

Oh and i also had 1 cup of green tea. :)

So let's hope tomorrow goes even better.

I think katy perry is SO hot! Except for her boobs, TOO BIG.

What do you girls think?

Try not to throw up. 137.6

Me at 137.6 lbs / Oct 10

Gosh i'm sorry to upload such a disgusting picture. But i'm think this is going to be a way of letting you see my progress. Which will hopefully be AWESOME. Haha.  I'll create another page on that tab thingy above, beside quotes. I'll name it "progress". I'll upload pictures there once every 15 days.

On second thought

I should've kissed him.

Screw the fucking rules. Of couse, now it's just too late.

I cried myself to sleep. 1) Family issues 2) First story, friendship is overrated. 

Juice fast has been going great. 

Breakfast - 1 glass of orange juice

Lunch - 1 glass of papaya juice
______________________

La felicidad
me está enseñando que hoy no soy feliz
porque es cuando tú no estás aquí
me quiero ir

y la tranquilidad
susurra que no me fíe de tí
porque en cualquier momento
te entra el lamento y te vas de mí

y si te miro
y si te siento
y si me acerco más a tí
y si me pierdo
y si me encuentro
y si te acercas más aquí

y es la ingenuidad
quién grita a mis oídos
que siempre estará
haga lo que haga
siempre arrodillada enfrente a mí

la objetividad
embustera, mentirosa
terca, sin bondad
murmura frases aburridas
que al fin y al cabo
siempre hablan mal de mí 

- La felicidad by Enrique Bunbury 

How are you girls doing??

2 stories. Friendship is overrated and boys SUCK. :(

Hi girls! How are you all doing? Lol, thanx for all the advice on my last post!! You're right, i shouldn't worry! :)  Ivy forest! Thank you for correcting me! :) Hehe, oh please don't get mad if i don't tell you where i am from. You noticed how paranoid i get, so i never give out specific details! D= But i can tell you i live somewhere in latin amerca!  Girls, as you know english isn't my mother tongue, so whatever misseplling you see plz let me know! :)

These past day i've eaten less than 800 cals a day. :) & tomorrow we'll start a juice fast with Coco! Anybody, feel free to join! :D COCO LET'S DO THISSSS!!!!

_____________________________ 

Story 1

Friendship is overrated

So, about friday and today. On friday it was Lu's bday party. I was reallyyy exited about going because i haven't seen a lot of my friends lately. I arrived and Lu was acting all weird, she seemed upset and everytime i asked here what the hell was going on she wouldn't answer. Or she'd say something like "Ugh shoosh! I just... ugh shoosh!!!!!!!"  

Lately i haven't seen her due to all the crap that's going on in my house, i just don't feel like going out or talking to anybody! Besides i don't even have money so it's not like i can do much. You see, & i haven't told her about all the shit that's been going on in my house. I've wanted to tell her, cause carrying all this shit by myself is getting too hard. But i just never seem to find the right moment, and now it feels like it will never be the right moment. 

So she was talking with a few of her friends from college and i went sit down with them and we were chatting all happy blah blah and i asked Lu where her boyfriend was. & she said: " UGH TILDA SERIOUSLY GO DRINK SOMETHING OR GET FREAKING DRUNK CAUSE IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL ANNOYING!" I was like WTFUCK? I just gave her this *ihateyou* look and stormed out of the room. She like almost didn't even speak to me all night.  It was so awful and i was really mad!!! And sad, because i'm going through some really tough time, and RIGHT NOW is when i need here the most. :(

The party finished at about 4 am and we stayed over at her house. This morning she was still acting all weird, oh and because 4 of her college friends were there and fñdslkfja ugh she was just weird. Besides i didn't like a few of her friends because these girls were a little too much o a bunch of whores. Yeah, i said it. I'm sorry. ANYWAY. 

Now i don't know if i'm worrying about something stupid. BUT, today she uploaded pictures of last night's party. I was in a LOT of pictures, with her, with other friends and blah blah blah. & she didn't uploaded a SINGLE picture where i was! NOT A SINGLE ONE! & in the album description she wrote this super thing... like "You guys are AMAZING, thank you for being such good friends and making me feel awesome today, I love you all so very much!!!! xoxo". I swear it was weird, because EVERYBODY who was there last night is in AT LEAST ONE picture of that freaking album. BUT ME. No pictures of tilda. Now i feel so bumped out. Cause i know she's mad at me for i have been distant for a few months now, and she asked a lot of times what was going on? If i was okay. But i never said a thing. Now i just feel like shit.

_____________________________________

Stoy 2

Boys are STUPID!

Again, last night at the bday party. I got there a little late because i was at college so right after college i ran to the party. I didn't eat a thing during the day so i could drink at night and don't worry about the calories. 

So i got there and apparently a few... people wanted me to be there. I got there and, remember Joe, the guy i told you about? The bad boy with good manners who just wants me to have fun?, well he was there and had been asking all night for me. & this other guy, let's call him Dan, apparently the both fancy me. 

So when i finallllly arrived all my friends were like JOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TILDAA IS HERE TILDA IS HEREE!!!!! And Dan (fancies me but he was bugging me with Joe...?) So joe was all heeeyy youuu hmmm ummm OOHH AAAHH ;) ;) ... & i was like... no dude, i'm no fling girl. I fancy him, I DO, he is super cute and a lot of fun! & he's got this bad boy attitude. BUT, he wants nothing more that make out with me and God knows what else, you know?. Hmm... So i was like "okay, i'll go with the flow, no not gonna do anything with him but we were making fun of the situation, you know. (Gosh i don't know what words to use in English to talk about this, it's that in spanish we have a lot of slangs so i don't know what slangs or phrases to use, lol)

So he spent half of the night with me all  (Barney from How i met your mother, like?) You know?... I go backstairs to look for my coat and when i go back upstais he's making out with this other girl!!!! :@ i was sooooo upset!!!!!!!! I knowww, it's not that i'm playing hard to get, but i'm not an easy girl. I don't go making out or having sex with whatever guy comes my way. That is NOT me. And he must know that cause it's been like 2 years since he's been trying to get something outta me but i never give in. & he's even told my cousin, who is best friends with him, that i'm soo super cute, that i'm such a nice girl, that i a keeper, but that i'm just "too good for him, cause he knows he's a (girls are sluts, boys are  ???) and that he's no good for me. So why on earth is he still trying! & i'm so lame that i keep on dreaming he'll change someday. BUT HE WON'T!!

Anyway, that ruined my night, i was really upset!!! Cause i liked the attention i was getting, and then i felt as if everyone was laughing at me because he ended up with this other girl while me, well i was just being lame trying to act as if i didn't freaking care!!! 

At about 3:30 everybody started to leave and i went sit on a bench in front of a fire. We were looking at the stars talking about life, you know... And Joe went sit with us (on the inside i wanted to yell at him to tell him he is just soo stupid that he thinks he's a Don Juan but he's just a stupid pig, that the few neurons he's got are of no use cause he can only think about sex!!! I HATE HIM!!) 

But i didn't, of course. Ally knows how i am so she left us to together. & i was like DUDEEE DON'T LEAVE, and Joe said oh c'mon let her, i'm not gonna do anything to you ;). & 

He said "Tilda, i beg you, tell me, just tell what do i have to do? What do you want me to do? What do i have to do to make you want me?" Just give me a kiss, don't make such a fuzz about it. 

I said "No joe, i'm not like that, i have rules."

He said "Rules? Explain and i'll see what i can do."

I said "Okay.  I will never go make out or do whatever stuff with somebody i know i'll see for the rest of my life. Somebody who 90% of the people i know, KNOW.  So if you can become a stranger who visits my town for 1 week and who will never come back, MAYBE you would have a chance with me."

He said "Actually i am spanish. Half of my family are Spanish, i you don't believe me i can call my grandma, who lives in Spain. & so... You are not breaking your rules right?"

I laughed and said "Same thing joe, sorry."

He hugged me and put his head on my shoulder (by now i was really nervous) then he moved his head a bit and whispered in my ear. "Tilda, please..." 

(Gosh i was dyingggggggggggg here girls. I WAS CRAVVVING to kiss him. I wanted to just shoosh him with a long never ending kiss. 

I turned to face him, and said "No"  

He whispered "A kiss on the cheek?" 

I said "You think i'll buy that?" 

He laughed and said "Okay okay..." And he kissed my cheek.  

I said "Okay, so... can we be friends?" 

He said "Hmmm with benefits?" 

I lold and said "You know my answer." 

He said "Okay, i get it."

I said "Can we go downstairs now?"

He said "Fine, but can we at least hold hands?" 

I lold and said "Fine, but we hold hands until the next room, so nobody sees?" & giggled.

He didn't say anything and he took my hand. 

So we walked and held hands until we got to the first floor.

In the end it was actually kinda cute. Right? I don't know if i did right or if i'll regret not kissing him later... As for now i feel good about what i did. I don't want to be just another one in his list. Which believe me is a LONG list of easy dumb girls who fell for it

Anyway, that's my story. A bit pathetic but i stayed true to myself so i feel good...

I guess.

HOLLY SHIT!

This is what happened. 

I have a friend, Mech, she studies medicine but she's  taking a psychology course.

We were chatting on msn about random stuff & she says.

"DUDE, i'm making some research on anorexia for my psychology class and OMG i found out some of them have even created a sort of society on the web. They write blogs telling how much they've eaten, & about random stuff. They like even become super good friends! They kinda give each other support & stuff. I was reading some blogs and OMG they like even make competitions on who can loose more in a certain time!! WEIRDDD, uh?"

(& that's EXACTLY what she said, yes i translated the text and copied here.) 

 I thought "HOLLY SHIT". But then thought, okay... "She definatly read spanish blogs, so calm down you freak." 

I told her, "wow, lol."

She said, "I KNOOOOW, can you imagine doing that? It's just... weird! :S "

I said, "Haha yeah! :S" 

I was freaking out so i changed the subject and started telling her about this bday party i have tomorrow night. 

Hmm... Weird? SHUT UP, you don't know what it's like so SHUT UP. 

& she'll never know i wanted to tell her that.

Gosh, should i get paranoid? :S :S

Today's intake

Apple, pineapple & orange juice - 339 cals

Veggies soup - 100 cals

Grilled cheese & tomatoe sandwich - 400 cals

Total cals:  839 cals

Okay i went over 500 cals. But at least i didn't went over 1000. 

Boringgg day. Still haven't found the guts to tell dad about college. I don' even know where i should start. I'm dying here. I can't even sleep thinking about how i should tell him. Should it be, hey dad i hate advertising i wanna be a biologist. Or, hey dad, i'm following my dream, thanks for everything, i'm sorry. Hmmm gosh. Any advice?  

 

There's my silly dog Nic, sleeping. Yeah he sleeps in my bed.

So what? lol. Yeah i have incredibly small boobs, yeaaah my fingers

are fat and gross.

 

Master cleanse diet, again? ... 138. Celebrities weight.

First: im reading and commenting tomorrow (today since it's almost 4 am/Oct 6) :) Thanks for you comments girls, i know i repeat this in every single post but i can never be thankful enough. You girls motivate me and want me to keep on going. I LOVE YOU. 

Second: I'd love to talk to you on msn! So add me if you please... matildabonnet@hotmail.com

Third: I've been fasting on orange juice for two days, i weighed and lost ONE POUND one freaking pound. 138 pounds for now. Oh well. 

Fourth: You gotta check this out http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/91495/beyonces_master_cleanse_diet_fast_helped.html

So apparently on 2006 Beyonce made the master cleanse for 12 days, and dropped 20 pounds. Wot? Yeah... There's even proof: 

 

I've tried the master cleanse before, but due to my gastritis problem i give up by the second day. I'm gonna try it again, cause damn it would be freaking awesome loosing a few pounds in a fast way.

Meghan Fox, 5'6", 114 lbs. 

Rachel Mcadams, 5'5, 120 lbs

 

Juice fast, Oct 4

Hello my sweet girls. :) 

Juice fast has been going great. It's 6:05 pm i'm at college, reaaaalllyyyy bored... And DAMN it is cooooldddddd, i'm freeezzzzzing, & i didn't bring a hot comfy sweater. I even find it hard to type cause my fingers are numb!!! Windy and cold season is here. Hmmm i kinda like it...

I exercise for 30 minutes, then 50 abs (LOL,  i know... only 50 but i didn't have time. So whatever...)

How are you girls doing? 

I need advice, what exercises do you do AT HOME, that burn fat? I currently do 30 minutes on the orbitrek. I don't have time to go to the gym so i have to do it all at home. But i don't know what to do that will actually work & i won't get bored doing it. :) 

So I'm thinking on talking to dad about me wanting to switch to Biology... & i know all the consequences, my bro my sis & my mom will be all negative about it & will hate me for a while... I needed wise words so i looked up for some quotes i'll share. :) 

Love you tons girls. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxo

"Everybody  keeps telling me how surprised they are with what I've done. But I'm  telling you honestly that it doesn't surprise me. I knew I could do it."

"Each man has his own vocation; his talent is his call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him.”

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.”

"Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.”

"None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

All of the above by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bipolar.... Wanderlust

Wooah... What rough post down there... I really was upset, uh? 

That's how bipolar i am. Not that i feel good today but... I mean, i'll survive. I guess. 

Wow i really gave a lot of trashy talk about my family. Now i feel bad... You know how it is when you're upset and you're not even thinking about what your sayings. Okay, i was upset. They make mistakes, of course, they are humans.  But don't worry girls,  it's not all shitty. They are actually good people. & pretty much all of the crap i'm going through is not their fault, it's all because of the choices i've made. It's just that when i'm upset, things don't go my way and they don't seem to help me... i tend to blame them. But believe me it is not their fault. I would actually miss them a lot if i were far away. I love them.

Almost skinny: I've actually thought about it. A LOT. I wanted to apply for a scholarship in Japan, but the applying process starts until next year. & i'm thinking of leaving this damn country until i finish college here. Study my master overseas & start a new life there.

You girls are amazing! Have i told you that? I cannot explain how good all your comments make me feel. Thank you!! I love you!! 

_____________________________

Bad news: I broke the fast today at my sister in law bday. I thought there was going to be more people but it was only my family (5) my sister in law, her mom and her sister. (8). So we all sat in the same table and well... You know the rest.

Good news: I can start tomorrow. Oh well, today. It's 1 am/ Oct 4

My nephew is supposed to be born in exactly ONE MONTH! :D 

I weighed and i'm at 139 pounds. 

If i want to weigh 128 by Nov 4 ...

It means i have 31 days to lose 11 pounds. 

Meaning losing 0.3 pounds per day.

I'll again go with the orange juice fast today.

I will not fail you, i promise. 

I WILL drop that weigh by nov 4. I WILL. 

________________________________ 

Wanderlust, a strong desire for or impulse to wander, or

to travel and to explore the world.

I guess i really do need some time away. But i have nor the time & most importantly the money to do so. I guess if you ask me how i feel, what i want. My only answer would be: "wanderlust". It a desire i have in me like the desire of a drug addict who desires cocaine, it's something that i'm obsessed with. I even have a little notebook where i write the names of all the places i want to visit before i kick the bucket... :)


& yet, i haven't even traveled that much. Cause i haven't been working, so i don't have money to do so. & it sucks.

I feel at home
Whenever the unknown surrounds me
I receive its embrace

(Wanderlust by Bjork)

I wish i were in Spain. I fell for that place. I dunno what it did to make me fall in love with it. It's been almost 2 years since i traveled. & the last place i visited was Spain. I was 125 pounds when i was there. I guess that's one of the reasons i loved it so much! I feel like i'm being redundant cause in my old blog i used to talk about this really often. But i just found some pictures and all the smells, the sights, the faces, the names, the flavors came back to my head. 

I completely lost touch with everyone i met. The only one i still talk to is this other girl with whom we stayed in Valencia, but that's just because she was friends with my sister before we visited, lol. & she's coming over on November. I don't want her not to recognize me for being too fat, you know? LOL... 

They say that to travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries! 

Hmm i need money. Haha...

Me at 125 pounds in Valencia. Damn that stupid

coat makes me look fat. :( But it was cold... So pardon me.

& my hair is soo short. It's waaaay longer now. 

& of course now i'm waaaaaaaay fatter too.

My next stop is Asia! I wanna go to Cambodia, Vietnam, Canton and Hong Kong in China & Tokio in Japan. 

I wanna go to AUSTRALIA!! I wanna go there sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad!!!!

Sorry for the long post. Hope you didn't get bored with all my rambling... 

Love you tons girls!!! :)

I'm sorry. It's just me rambling about my shitty life. No need for you to read this. I'm sorry for this stupid post.

This is a long post, i'm sorry if nothing makes sense i was just really upset.

I did great on the fast. Did everything you girls told me. I managed to give my cake to my lil cousin. & i received the breakfast, play around with the food, went to say hii to my aunts and left my plate there. Everything went great.

Now i'm preparing for dinner. My family is coming over at 6 pm...

...

I was playing around with one of my lil cousins, and she wanted to go play upstairs. & she saw the orbitrek and asked me if she could go play there... She constantly asked me am i losing weight? & i told her the amount of calories the thing said she had burned. (She had no clue about what that meant, but anyway) Then we went down stairs and she was telling everybody that she had "lost 20 cals". Then my mom gave her a piece of chocolate and that's when "blogger" me came out... I said: "Yeah lil girl, you're gonna eat that chocolate and you're gonna gain back those 20 cals and a bit more... haha..." Yeah, that's how stupid i am.

My mom got so upset!!! She told me that just because i was all messed up i didn't have the right to go fucking up everybody who came across me.

 ...

I hate everything.

I hate everybody.

I wish could reborn and do everything different.

I hate everything i have become.

I hate my life.

I am not happy.

I'm worthless.

I'll never be good enough for anybody.

I want to jump off a bridge and forget about everything.

Life's just too damn hard these day, i have control over nothing.

I'm tired of pretending otherwise.

I'm tired of everybody pretending everything is allright.

Things are NO OKAY. WE'RE SCREWED. 

Nobody knows how screwed up i feel... I'm always laughing and smiling but they don't know how i really feel. But that's all right, it's not like anybody cares anyway. 

I wish i could close my life and  wake up some where else. Disappear for a while.

Because i suck, because i suck to everyone.

I can't even control my stupid dog. 

My stupid life is a mess. 

I have a mess inside my head nobody know about. But you of course.

I wish i didn't exist.

I'm sure, that in real life , not blogging world, nobody would miss. Nobody would give a damn if i disappear , except for my dad of course.

I  wish i could boy a ticket to whatever place, leave and forget about everyone. 

Think about nobody. 

Be free. 

Study whatever the hell i want, live wherever the hell i want to, stop eating for days without people noticing and getting in my way. 

Start all over again, be who i want to be. Stop being who everyone thinks i am but i'm not. Because they think they know, they think they know who i am, what i should be doing. But they have no idea. I've been too damn insecure to prove them wrong and that's what ha lead me to where i am today. I hate my life so much. It's one of those days where i even hate my friends. Except you of course, you're the only ones who truly understand me. I can be transparent here. I find comfort here.

1:30 am

I can't sleep. 

I'm scared of how it's gonna be today. 

Thank you my lovelies for all the advice! I'll try following, i'm just scared mom & dad notice. I think my technique will be receiving everything they give me, walk around with the plate... Throw a little bit whenever i can and nobody is watching. Offer my brother a little of my plate as in "hmmm you want my potatoe?" ... lol. Gosh that sounded so stupid... Anyhow. Hope things turn out great! 

I hope you girls are doing good with your fast too! :) 

Today was awesome. Orange juice all day long. 

I'm so bored, i found this free portuguese online  course. 

Meu nome é Matilda!  hahaha ...Yeah that's pretty much what i've learned so far. 

Boa sorte my girls! 

Love you all! :) 

xoxo

OCTOBER IS HERE!

October is here girls and as you know i love beginnings!! 

I'm so overexcited. Why? 

October means: 1 MONTH AND 2 DAYS for my sweet sugar pie honey bunch nephew to be born!! 

**********************

Today starts the fast. I'll do my best. Though i'm scared cause tomorrow morning i have to go to my little cousin's bday party then at night mom & dad are throwing a goodbye party to my uncle who leaves the 4th.and on Sunday is my sister in law bday so there's going to be a family reuning, big lunch and cake... I dunno how on earth i'm gonna get rid of them. :( 

Anyway today i'm fasting. Juice fast. Wish me luckkk! :) 

Don't have much else to say... Just stay strong my lovelies. & my best wishes for you this month.

Now a little thinspo to start off this month :)