Not so misunderstood

B and Rachel, well hello there. I have missed all of you too. Like you have no idea. I am absent everywhere, not just here in blogging world. I'm happy and sad, if that even makes sense. I am still fat, i hate myself everyday for this. I love you girls, i think there's no people in this world who can get me the way you girls do and you have no idea how good that feels. I hear in my head... "I am not so crazy after all". Love, tils.

Happyness?

It's so sad to have your happyness depeding on your weight. 

"If i am fat, i can't be happy" I hear in my head all the time.

Nothing to say.

I hate chemistry. I fucking hate it. 

I'm starting fruid diet tomorrow. I'll see how it goes, i'm at 135 now. I am FAT. 

Fucked up world

Darwin said that the one who survives is the one that is the most adaptable to change. Well i'm fucked. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like everybody knows something i don't. Like everybody has a key to make themselves function in this damn world and i missed the day the keys were delivered. I'm not likable and i don't like people. I don't get along with them. I may be around all this "friends" all the time but i don't feel like i belong there. I hate how everything works, i hate how shallow people can be, i hate how people don't care about anything, this world is all fucked up and everybody seems to keep on walking doing their thing, and i'm not saying that is wrong, it's just that... People need to get their damn feet down to earth and try to see the world with diffetent eyes. People need to start CARING.

They don't get it, do they?

So, yesterday was awful, my brother, his wife and mi lil nephew came to have dinner (I don't know what the hell we were celebrating, i mean, it was freaking monday). What made it awful wasn't the food, i bareley even touch the food, i said i wasn't feeling good, besides they made roasted chicken (i'm vegetarian) and salad, so i could only be served salad... SO, the problem was when they started talking about diets and blah blah blah...

You see, when I was SKINNY, my brother would call me "ratoncito" (little mouse in spanish) cause he said i looked like a tiny bony mouse with big head... It was until I was 10 years old, i started gaining weight, it wasn't that bad, just a bit of gaining... But when i turned 12 i was FAT, i don't remember, of course, in that time i didn't give a damn about how i looked! I was a happy chubby kid...  

Everybody started making fun of how fat i used to be, they don't know, they don't understand how much damage they do to me! And my brother started telling me how i loved eating cereal and cheese and pizza, etc! I was trying to smile, as if it was so funny, then mi sister, who has gotten so fucking fat, started laughing and saying omg Tilda has never had control over her food has she? I mean whenever i see her she's eating cheese and bread... The asshole is never home, how dare she say something like that!!! I was getting so mad and frustrated, i wanted to cry! THEY DON'T FUCKING GET IT... It hurts and it kills me, to know i am a fatass, now even worse hearing people making fun of! HOW FUCKING DARE THEY?!! 

Later I said i was tired and i would go to bed, truth is i only came to my room cause i wanted to cry so bad! It is so frustrating, hating myself, looking at myself in the mirror and hating EVERYTHING i see! I hate this, i hate feeling like this!

So, in the end i think they actually did something positive, they inspired me, in a way... I wanna fucking prove them all wrong... So i am more serious about this!!! I swear to god i am going lower than 124 this time! I need to be at least 120 by September! I am so doing this. I will take pictures and upload them in the "progress" thingy up there...

When i was 14 i was 166 pounds. And i started freaking out, i started hating myself, i stopped eating. I went down to 135 pounds! During 10th and 11th grade i went up to 155 punds. After I graduated i had a leap year, i stopped eating again, i had another blog, i was damn serious about it, i even started making myself puke. So i went down to about 124 pounds, and since then, I have not been able to go lower that that. I've been up and down, i'm mostly at 133, at the moment i'm at 138 pounds, i am gross!