So i'm officially the even bigger cow i used to be. I still can't believe how fucked up i am... LW: 125 pounds, last year, Jan. & Now... 143? WOW... JUST wow...
Today i was talking with my mom, suddenly she started telling me how much she has been eating lately. That she feels she has gained. i know she wasn't saying that because of her, i know she was talking about me. She just doesn't tell it to me DIRECTLY, cause she knows how obsessed with my weight i am. She noticed when i stopped eating 2 years ago, she was always trying to make me eat, BUT in a way she felt happy for me, cause i was losing weight. She used to be super tiny when she was my age, she still is thin, i mean she does have a little bit of fat due to pregnancy, etc etc. But she weighs 128 pounds. So, it's not that bad for her. But she was always concerned about my weight. When i was younger, 14 yeas old, she took me to every nutritionist you can imagine. & she was always telling me not to eat, i weighed 165 pounds. Of course, SHE HAD TO BE LIKE THAT. But she stopped, when she noticed my dramatic weight loss. Then she started begging me to eat!! & she was soo worried cause she could see my collarbones...
I love my mom, i really do. But i'd rather her tell me... LOOK TILDA, YOU'RE OBESE NOW, I'VE NOTICED .,.. SO COULD YOU PLEASE STOP EATING AGAIN? Instead of trying to be sweet & sayin she's the one who's fat, hoping that i'd understand I AM the one who's fat.
So i finally said, YES MOM, I AM OBESE TOO... & she just gave me this look... This look she gives when she wants to say yes but feels too guilty to say it. so i understood.
We've created this community in order to get support. So please tell me, what can i do? I've lost it all. 2 years ago, i used to be so strong, so damn strong. & no, it's not that i'm stuck in the past, but i just don't know how to get back on track again. I don't know where to start, how to be patient? I hate HATE hate hating myself, i hate going to college feeling like everyone's looking at me, & judging me cause i'm fat. I am so over with this, i don't know what to do. Today i ATE. A LOT, yes... depression leads me to EAT. I know, there're no excuses, but i just can't help it. Please give me strength, tell me. What to do? How do i get back to the old Tilda? The one who could go on a week without eating. I am desperate, i need you girls. :(
2 comments:
Matilda, you're such a sweetheart.
The good thing is, you mom is on your side, and she won't nag you if you refuse to binge.
You wrote you don't have the patience. And there, you get to the point: the problem is exactly patience. Because we would all want to see the scale going down 10 lbs a day!! And sometime it only goes down 0.1 lbs even thought we've been fasting or so!!
Be strong honey. small steps, remember.
I completely understand what you are talking about, I haven't been great with my intake either, I put on 2Ibs from last week, so I am fasting today, well attempting to anyway.
I wish I could give you some advice, you could try squeezing the food, and seeing all the grease or fat rolling out of it, that might put you of.
Sorry I wish I could be more help.
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