Hitting bottom: I know nobody will read this.

I am so sad to come here and find Nads (Miss Burton) is gone from blogging world. I just read her last post, it was on March, 2013. I understand her feelings, I have been in blogging world for so long now and I remember back in 2009, I believe, I had became such good friends with Nads, we had this really big circle and were all there to support each other. I even remember we made races to see who would lose more weight. I know that communities like that are still out there but it has become so hard to keep track of everyone that somehow I just stopped coming to hang out here. I remember not feeling so lonely back in those days. 

It is so hard now. Believe me I have been having an awful time. I am down to 125 pounds, and hope to go down to 120 by next month. But I guess there is a lot more to this than weight, no matter how much weight I lose, I never like what I see in the mirror. It is so hard, I am 23 years old now! Well, WOW! And I don´t seem to get myself to feel better, in fact I have been so depressed. I have been feeling this way since I was about 13 years old and it seems to be getting worst with the years. 2013 was horrible. It is not just about weight, you know? I am so insecure about my body and my soul. I never feel like I can acomplish shit. Like I will never be enough for anything. I am depressed most of the time but from November to now I have had a horrible, terrible depression lapse. I do not want to sound dramatic, I really don´t, it´s just that I do not talk about this with ANYONE that surrounds me. I act "happy" and normal around everyone. There are days were I could not even get myself to get up in the mornings, I stayed in bed all fucking day, mostly weekends because I was working from Monday to Friday and I needed to money so I had to wake up a go to work. I was so depressed I did not eat, not consciously, no, I just did not eat. I was not aware of it, i just went to bed and late at night i remembered, fuck... I ate nothing today. I started smoking weed almost everyday, whenever I could, i feel so good when I do it. Some days I went high to work, I still don´t understand how the fuck I managed to do my job. About three weeks ago I had dream about an old man telling I should kill myself now because life is really not that worth it. I woke up feeling so depressed, I am not lying, I opened my eyes and started crying like a little kid and went under the sheets and refused to get out of bed until 1 pm and I did it only because I really need to pee. Since then I had so many suicidal thoughts. I was planning on buying a bunch of antidepressants (I live in a country where you can get pretty much anything you want without a recepie) and a bottle of vodka and just end this shit I cannot bare anymore. I went to the drugstore and was such a coward, I was there just staring at the guy from the drugstore and he was like... Miss? Can I help you with anything? And I said uh, yeah, no, thank you, have a good day. It was so pathetic. Went back home and smoked some more weed, listen to music and forgot about suicide for a little while. I have not done any stupid shit ever since but I still feel like shit. I sometimes sleep only 2 hours. I'm trying really hard to react and feel better. Having you girls here would make it a lot easier but I know there nobody even knows I exist around here anymore. I think I need to start posting more here, I feel so much better after I write down my thoughts, even if they are not read. 

I had a job I did not even like. It was a medical billiing company and I did the follow up on claims. 8 fucking hours sitting in front of a computer checking on claims and calling insurance companies to beg them to pay the fucking bills. I was there for 6 months and quit about 2 weeks ago. It was an impulse, I had no other job offer, I was just so sick of it and was so depressed I woke up one day, got to the office and quit. Thank god I was offered to work as a Spanish teacher. Before starting the job I need to finish a course, and I am actually doing pretty good so hopefully will start working by Feb.

Who am i.

W told me he loves me. I did not answer back. I do not want to. He is just too crazy and I am too insecure. But I do, I actually am fond of him, he is so weirdly good in every aspect. Last weekend we spent all night fooling around and we listened to almost 6 albums, yes, and good music, he has such good music taste, so good it kinda makes me love him, yes, it is dumb; but I cannot help it. Yet, I feel so insecure about him, I feel like he is going to leave ANY moment. Like tomorrow he will just say, hey... So I am moving to China, or something like that. That is just how he is, how he acts... And it is one of the reasons why I like him so much, but also why he scares me.

I think I may have a kind of depression, but not the normal one, the clinical one? I know it sounds stupid but I just really don't seem to pull my life up. I have always feel trapped in my emotions. I kept on telling myself: "DO NOT FREAK OUT, STOP ACTING LIKE AN ADOLESCENT!!!!". I have come realized that what I feel is not normal. I don't even know how to explain myself, you know? I just always feel down, always, always always always. I have 2 o 3 good days in a month, the rest of them are pure shit. My parents never knew, or if they did, they never thought it was serious. But is it normal that someone go a day without thinking... "It would be easier if I was dead"? I just don't seem to find my place in this town, nor do I seem to find it in me. How can I be with someone if I can't even pull a day together with myself? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy/LOVE being alone, but being alone equals me talking to myself all day. Which is good, I guess, but I sometimes just want to hit myself on the head so I can fix whatever shit is not working right inside, you know? 

I want to paint. You know, since I was a little kid I loved drawing and painting, I once asked mom and dad if I could study art somewhere, and they said: "That is not important, you are not going to need that when you grow up, that is why you are studying English (the lenguage), you do not need to go into things that will not help you in a career". I know that sound a lot like The Little Prince, but that is exactly how it went, that was the moment the painter in me died. I stopped doing it... In school we received a very lame art class and I was good, or so people told me, but I did not see it, I could not see it, I was blinded by the thought "This is not good for a career". Still I used to draw somethimes, mostly faces, but then I threw them away, I keep about 5, they are awful and amateur, but I feel the need to keep them with me... A few days ago I wandering and say a (How do you call the palces where you buy pencils and all those things you need for school?), well that, I entered and I bought 2 pencils and 1 eraser. I now laugh, I don't know why I did it and I do not even remember much. All I remember clear is walking out of that place with 2 pencils and an eraser. I have them on my desk and I do not know when or if I am ever going to use them.

Love

I weighed 3 weeks ago and I was 135. Very bad, but better that it was before. But now I am pretty sure I am back to 140. Today I only drank water. Holy week is over and I am back to college. I am almost convinced that I have no biologist material. I am not willing to kill animals just so I can understand them, it goes completely against my ideals. I do not know what I am gonna do. I am 22 already, I have no job and I do not want to be a biologist. Awful and wonderful how life changes, right? 

Other than that, remember W? We have not made it official and I don't really mind. I just like him so much and he is so very good to me. He is 2 years younger than me, it's funny  because I always said I would never date someone younger than me, but then W happened and yes, I have fallen in love. W is a sexy weirdo, he's intelligent, he has this idea that he knows the world can be changed through art haha, he's the best. I am scared, nothing good ever happens to me, I mean, when it comes to this kind of things; but it is happening and I am beginning to accept it. We all deserve a little love and happiness once in a while, I suppose. 

I am planning on losing 6 pounds in 2 weeks. I will not stop eating because I really don't want to get sick. I am just gonna try to go with low calorie diet. I will start with a 3 day fruit fast and then I will try to have 800 cals per day. Hopefully it will work. Also I will start the Insanity videos all over again, I stopped doing them about a month ago, I suck haha. 

I cannot believe I am still around this blog. I am not complaining, I actually like it. I like reading old posts and seeing how my life has developed. Anyway, hope you girls are great, kisses, Tilda.

Messy me

I'm back again. First of all, thak's for the lovely comments. I'm all better now, still miss her but it's okay. Lucy, I'd looove to go there, it looks mavelous.

I know i never say anything positive, but nothing good seems to happen to me. I am so sorry.

So, a month after my last entry my grandmother died. I don't know if i have told you but she got very sick in August and ever since then we couldn't take her out of the hospital. I still don't believe it, i haven't come down to earth, i guess. I just can't believe i will never see her again... Anyway, I don't really feel like talking about this.

2013 had a pretty cool and calm start, anyway, i went camping with my best friend. Just me and her, we're sort of having a mental break down, so we decided to run away from the big parties with awful music and a lot of drunk jerks.  It was good. being away for a couple days. I liked it so much i decided on running away for 10 more days haha, and went to volunteer to the animal rescue center i went a year ago. It was awesome, i got to work with moneys haha! :D So, yes, that's a good start, i suppose.

I met someone. Call him W. Or well, i met someone i apparently knew all my life. We've been dating for the past two months, and we have not kissed or anything of that sort yet. YES, I know, but he's just so so so much that i've always wanted, i really don't want to rush anything... . We have a lot in common, he's very shy and kind of weird, but: he is, and i don't want to soud like I am idolizing him, one of the most interesting people I know.

Since my last post i lost 6 pounds... Which i am pretty sure i gained back again. I'm a mess, i know. I'm a walking mess. 

Bleh

I live in a constant depression... It comes and goes, but it's there pretty much all of the time. I think i wrote about this in the past... People really don't get it but the thinner i am the better i feel... I may be 134 pound today and i feel "good"... But if i wake up tomorrow with 135 pound... OH LORD, don't even try to walk in front of a mirror cause i see a completely different person than i did yesterday. It's that serious and it is NOT normal, NOT right... But there really isn't much i can do to change it, you know? 

I have to admit, i always wonder whether i should make time in my schedule and actually start posting daily, they way i did before... But then i get scared, i don't want to be trapped in this all my life. I just wish i could love myself the way i am... But who am i kidding? That never worked and will never work for me. I have been in this for almost 8 years now. WOW. Time goes by so fast... And you know how you always think, in 5 yeas everything is going to be so fucking awesome. Well... NO. 

Of course, things will never get fucking better if you don't try to make them better. Whenever i am serious about this, it's like everything starts working on my favor, you know? I start losing weight, i start feeling better... Therefore i start going out more and meeting a lot more new people... 

But that's not how things are now. Of course they're not. 

You see, this years things changed so so so much. My best friend (Or so i think) had to leave the country. I never got to say goodbye, she got very sick, she almost died... She came back 2 weeks ago, she leaves in 2 weeks, and then... I have no idea when we will see each other again. This fucking kills me. I have never been the friendly type of girl, you know? I've always had few friends and done crazy shit but just with this few friends i keep close to me. I don't trust people... I don't know what i'll do without her. 

I wish i had some positive shit to say... But i don't! Oh well...